In pursuit of life, love and my authentic self.

Having been a young woman (and regrettably am no longer) I remember vividly being under the delusion that whatever perceived faults my partner had could be fixed if only he would cooperate.  I remember as a young wife being hurt when my husband wanted to go out one night a week to play sports.  How ludicrous is that!  But that’s what it’s like being a young woman with her share of insecurities.  Fortunately I’ve never been a jealous person but I just couldn’t understand why he would want to spend time with anyone but me.

As I spend time with my younger female friends and hear of their relationships, it occurs to me that generation after generation we fall in love with who we think our mates could be rather than the real man who is standing in front of us.  What a shame.  This is doomed to failure or at least disappointment.  The funny thing is that we are far from perfect ourselves but try to improve our mates to be more like our girlfriends.  Perhaps this is the reason for the increase in lesbianism in later life.  I just saw that Meredith Baxter has come out of the closet after three failed marriages.

Personally I love men and they know it.  Most of my friends are men.  In many ways I think like a man. Strangely enough as I get older however, more and more of my friends are women.  Young women are competitive and I had no time for that.  The only person I have ever competed with is me.

The difference between my first and second marriage is that I love Marc just the way he is.  He appreciates this tremendously because he has been through the “young woman” change program in a relationship before he met me. My theory is that older women are more centered and comfortable in their own skin and therefore can let go and allow others to be themselves.  They no longer feel the need or duty to control everything.  Older women know that’s not possible anyway….

We fall in love with this little girl dream of prince charming who might just be a frog or maybe just a normal human being with qualities and weaknesses.  That’s why it’s important to talk about the important things before imposing expectations on each other.  It just depends on what you’re looking for.  By the time a woman is 30 they are seriously looking for a mate and possible father for their offspring.  I’ve seen girls marry people just so they wouldn’t be left out of all wedding excitement their peers were experiencing.

So before you decide to marry the man you want to change, take stock and find out if he is really the right one for you to avoid great heartache in the future for you both.  Choosing the right mate is a difficult choice, often the guy who excites you beyond belief will not be the one who’ll hold a bucket for you when you’re sick.  How romantic, I know.  But I’ll tell you something, every morning I go to get in my car and regardless of how tight on time he is, my husband cleans off my car so I’m ready to go when I come out.  I have never asked him to do this but I really appreciate the little demonstrations of love.  Everyone needs a soft place to fall especially in our rat race lives.  And although I am far from perfect my husband loves me for the person I am and does not try to change me.

Being in the wrong relationship is a hundred times worse than being alone.   Do you know that 70% of married people confess to being lonely?  Isn’t that sad!  I’m sure they didn’t think that would happen. Do you know the most important thing element to a successful marriage?  MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON.  Everything else is just making up for the wrong decision in the first place.  Did you also know that 10 years later, arranged marriages and marriages based on “romantic love” are equally successful?  Having common values and aspirations are tremendously important for future happiness.  I have been incredibly fortunate to marry twice for love successfully.   I wish you the same good fortune.

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When I was a young woman in the 70’s, Domtar would not even accept my application as an Order Desk clerk because I wasn’t a man.  Only men could work on the order desk.  I would have liked to sue them but I don’t think you could in those days.  I do remember being shocked and outraged.

I went on to do Order Desk/Inside Sales at “Kingsley and Keith” a chemical distributor and despite my obvious handicap of being a female, I did very well.  Women have come a long way since those days.

It’s important to keep in mind I am the mother of three sons and grandmother to one grandson.  I am as vigilant to protect their rights as human beings as for my sisters.  In fact I really find the commercials that make men look like stereotyped idiots insulting.  You would never get away with that today if you tried to do that to a woman.  Does anyone remember the commercials where women would be ashamed if their husbands had “ring around the collar”?

One could say that women have had the short end of the stick for a gazillion years so a few decades of payback are nothing to worry about, but I don’t agree.  To behave disrespectfully of anyone is wrong.  I truly believe in equality.  What I don’t believe in is sameness.  Boys and girls are different, that’s normal and wonderful.

Having been a Cub Scout leader, I don’t support making the Cubs and Beavers co-ed.  I support boys spending some time with other boys doing the types of activities that they naturally enjoy.  Young girls also can benefit by bonding with other girls and leaders, building trust and confidence.

My husband and I share the housework and the chores but we each do what we are either good at or don’t mind doing.  My husband has yet to wash a bathroom or paint a room, that’s my department.  He does the laundry, groceries and the vacuuming.  We both cook, he pays the bills and I do all the investigating on cars, houses and appliances. He comes in for the final decision.

Equality is respect.  Respect for individual choices not based on a pre-conceived notion or feeling of superiority.  On occasion I still meet a man who does not consider me to be his equal however, because this is a belief there is absolutely no way you will change it.  I just ignore him and move on.  If you ever want to make someone absolutely crazy, ignore them.  Works like a charm.

If we could change our attitudes that we’ve burdened our children with; boys shouldn’t cry and girls should look like the models on the magazine covers this would go a long way to having more relaxed children pursuing healthy activities instead of throwing up their food to remain thin or taking drugs to dull the pain of their insecurities.  It disturbs me how many of our children are taking prescription drugs to control their behavior.

If we can support our children to meet their potential by providing lots of opportunities to learn and the encouragement to follow their dreams regardless whether your daughter wants to be a welder and your son wants to be a nurse.  My father wanted my sister and me to be plumbers.  He figured we would always have work.

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This weekend we drove to Ottawa to make dinner for family and friends, pick up Christmas presents for other people and visit a dear friend in the hospital.  Although it was incredibly tempting to stay home, read, relax and watch my Christmas tree twinkling, we went on our way and have just returned and I’m glad we did.

I recognize how fortunate I am to have a loving husband and my health to be able to help others.  One day it will be my turn no doubt.  This evening’s work is making five dozen gingerbread men.  I have a potluck lunch tomorrow and although on the one hand I would have been perfectly happy to pick up a pie but I would have felt guilty so I will decorate my gingerbread men and bring them to the lunch.

For those who have family and friends (nice ones) the holidays are great times.  For those who are alone or have lost a loved one regardless of the circumstances, it can be a dreaded time.  I wrote about this last year at this time in the blog “It’s Just a Day“.

This year has been a challenging one for many many people because of the recession among all the other nasty things that happen to us normally.  I would like to ask my readers to think about people in their entourage and take the opportunity to reach out and make a difference.  This could be volunteering at a food bank, donating to a charity, inviting someone you know is alone to your Christmas dinner.

It’s interesting, I’ve observed those who seemingly have the least to give, give the most.  Time is also a great gift, one that is in short supply these days.  During the holidays take the time to connect with your children, play with them, and find out what they are really thinking.  You might be surprised.  That older relative in the corner is just as young in their heart as you; ask them to tell you a story.  Let them live it again.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers, quite the opposite but I do have ideas and so do you.  Please take the time to share your ideas to give at the holidays with me.  This can be your gift to me.

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As I complete my Christmas list, I wanted to share with you some thoughts on how to cope if you are the conductor of your family’s orchestra (code name for Mother).  With only 14 days before Christmas, many of you have not completed your shopping, baking, volunteering or whatever else is part of your holiday tradition.

Let me make a few suggestions on how to share the load.  Making a list is definitely required.  For you bohemian types who can make everything happen with a wiggle of your nose, good for you.  For the rest of us we need a list.

Many people have less to spend on Christmas this year and some have even less time.  After you’ve made your list of what to buy, plan your trips.  Group them to reduce driving and time.  Visit the malls or Cosco on Monday or Tuesday night.  They are dead quiet and you can get served at the cash right away.

It’s important to decide what must be done and what can wait.  You can also ask for help.  Just because your husband or wife doesn’t normally do this, you may be pleasantly surprised by their reaction.  Make a big fuss just like you did when your toddler produced their first bowel moment in the toilet.  A little appreciation goes a long way.  Try not to laugh, it totally ruins the effect.

I’m relatively relaxed this year as the orchestra leader.  I used to have unrealistic expectation of what I could pull off.  I’m not old enough to transfer responsibility for the turkey dinner on to some unsuspecting wife of my sons, as none of them are married……yet.  Close but no cigar.

Let me give you some suggestions for little or no money gifts.  I make almond bark and it is really quite cheap to make.  Buy one pound of almonds and two pounds of white chocolate for baking.  Isn’t that cute I still use English measurements.  That’s 450 grams and 900 grams respectively for the rest of you.  Bake the almonds for 15 minutes at 250 degrees.  When you smell them, they are roasted.   Melt the chocolate in the microwave on low one cupful at a time.  Add the almonds to the chocolate and spread on a cookie sheet and put in the freezer for 15 minutes.  Break into pieces and voila!   People are so impressed with this it is ridiculous but hey if we’re all happy, that’s what holidays are all about.

Another thing I’ve done when I had absolutely no money is give coupons.  Coupons for back scratches, chores, or homemade dinners.  Maybe there are some more risqué ideas you could come up with for your Sweetheart.  Invite people over to decorate the tree, otherwise you’ll end up doing it alone.

What’s important is that we stay relaxed, remember what’s important is being together and being grateful for what we have.  Share with those less fortunate.  Last week I delivered meals to people in need as part of a charity initiative.  We were probably the only other humans these people came in contact with all week.

My wish for you is that you arrive at Christmas not feeling overwhelmed or worse inadequate.  Sometimes less is more.   If we can get back to more time together and a little less consumerism, perhaps this is a good outcome of the recession.

Please share with me your ideas to keep the holidays from driving you crazy.

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Do you have a pot or utensil you’ve had forever?  I do.  I was using a “pressure cooker” tonight.  I’m sure that many of you don’t even know what that is.  It is a pot with a gasket that seals in the liquid with a weight on the top.  When the pressure builds up, it makes the weight shake. It’s quite a disturbing noise and if you don’t regulate it, it will explode all over the kitchen.  In the hands of an experienced user, it makes food tender and cooks quickly.  This was pre microwave.  I received mine as a wedding present (my first wedding!!) in 1973.  My Mother-in-law taught me how to use it and I have been using it a few times a year ever since.  It dawned on me tonight while I was preparing a “bouilli” which is basically a stew that I may have to finally retire it.  The gasket took a lot of coaxing to hold together. The pot is beaten and battered with most of the paint worn off.  In the 70’s red was a popular color for pots and pans and appliances for that matter.  Now that’s coming back as trendy….who knew!

It made me think about all the times I’d used it to prepare food for my family.  The honey/mustard hams, the stews, the pot roasts.  It’s been 36 years ago since I was a bride of 18.  Where did all the time go? Today I was driving around in my new car (yum yum).  I went to get appointments for the H1N1 vaccine, deliver Christmas lights and the traditional advent calendars to my son, daughter-in-law and grandson.  Even though my children are all grown up, they still want their advent calendars and all Christmas presents have to be toys, no practical stuff.  I definitely failed to bring these boys up properly.

Food has such a special place in our lives.  It reminds us hopefully of happy times growing up.  I remember my Mother was a terrific baker (not so much of a cook like many British folk).  She used to make this square with a shortbread base with maraschino cherries and a meringue topping.  I have looked everywhere to try and re-create it but have never been able to find it.  Last year I prepared a photo album for each of the boys with all of our family recipes.  I wrote each one out by hand with my best handwriting.  If I made a mistake, I would start again.  I have to say it was quite a labor of love but they were delighted.  They can never say they don’t have our family recipes and for those who have lost loved ones, it is comforting to see a loved one’s handwriting.

I think I’ll try to find a new gasket for my pot.

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Today I hadn’t chosen what to write about but a young lady I know is about to give birth and it struck me how important my experience with breastfeeding has been to me.  Of course, it has been many years but I remember it vividly.  I have also provided coaching to young Mothers to help them to be successful a number of times.

I was a very young expectant Mum, having been married at 18 and pregnant for the first time at 20.  Interestingly enough, I had no intention of breastfeeding.  I had no one to talk to this about having lost my Mother and quite frankly the thought of it did not appeal to me in the slightest.  Having heard about what happens to your breasts as a result did not help convince me.  I said repeatedly that they were for decoration only to my husband.

Thankfully my ignorance did not end up costing me and my children this experience.  I registered for a very exclusive prenatal class for those wishing a non-medicated birth.  I faithfully did all the exercises, visualizations and readied myself.  Along the way as my baby grew in me, the thought of breastfeeding became less gross.  By the end of my pregnancy I was pumped (a little breast feeding humor) to exclusively breast feed my baby.

On July 14, 1976 at 5:20 a.m. my first born son arrived.  He was really sleepy after a long birth and basically did not wake up until two days later although the nurses did everything to wake him up.  They opened his mouth, they flicked his heels, and they poked him a little.  Nothing!  They sent me home after 48 hours and then he woke up and so did my boobs.  Holy cow Batman, they were huge, hard and sore.  This is perfectly normal and passes in a day or two.  This plumbing has never worked before.  My dear Mother-in-law who bottle fed her babies was concerned the baby wasn’t getting enough but we were told as long as there were 8-10 wet diapers a day, he was.

At his first pediatrician appointment when he was four weeks old, he had gained 3 ½ lbs.  There was never a question again if he was getting enough!

It wasn’t easy the first time because it’s an adjustment becoming a parent and took three months to get the kinks out.  There is no closer connection you can have to someone than breastfeeding your baby.   I will always remember looking down at their face and them looking back at me in adoration.  As it turned out, I have bad allergies and asthma in my family which I was not aware of at the time and it was crucial that I nurse.   This same baby has those allergies and eventually became asthmatic at six years old.  The doctors told me had I not nursed him he would have had it at 18 months.  I did nurse each of my children exclusively on breast milk until six months and continued on to a year.  Now most people do nurse, at least for a while and this is great.  Any amount of time is good.  My advice to you is don’t give up if you run into a problem, there are people who can help you get over any obstacle.  If women could nurse their babies in bomb shelters with bombs going off over their heads during World War II, you can too if you want to.  And btw my boobs are just fine thank you.

This blog is dedicated to Lea Lisa Lurette who I know will be an awesome Mother and Amy Dore for being an awesome Mother to my grandchildren and a fellow breastfeeding Mom.

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To get to a certain age as I have, I’ve had many many teachers.  It is time to acknowledge their contribution to who I am.  We are guided by many hands and hearts along the way.   We can learn by both positive and negative experiences.  What to do and what not to do.

From my Mum I learned to be caring Mother.  I learned I was loved and wanted, these are important building blocks which you only understand the value of later in life.  I also learned that anyone can become an alcoholic, it doesn’t matter how smart and nice you are and as much as she loved us, she couldn’t stop, at least she didn’t stop.

From my Dad who was a very tough business man I learned that if I was prepared to work hard enough, I could achieve pretty much anything I put my mind to.  He instilled confidence in my ability. This has served me well over the years. Since he died, I’ve realized he did love me unconditionally, I just didn’t know it.  I also learned to be there emotionally for your family which he was not capable of but I’ve also learned he was a product of his time and this was not valued or expected from a British man.

From my Sister I learned incredible courage and tenacity through adversity and pain.  Whenever I have to endure something difficult I think of what she went through and I tell myself I can do it.  She was my big Sister and my protector and I miss that terribly.

From my children I’ve learned how much I would do to help them, what it is to feel unconditional love, what pride and fear feels like sometimes at the same time.  The emotions of parenthood run the gamut.

From my Grandchildren I’ve learned how incredibly special they are to me and how intensely close I feel to them, the depth of the connection between generations.

From my real friends I’ve learned I don’t have to be superwoman all the time, sometimes I can just be me and that’s good enough.  I can let them take care of me once and a while, it won’t kill me.

From my husband I’ve learned what it’s like to be loved for who I really am inside, for myself and to have a soft place to fall.

There are many other people in my professional life past and present that influence me daily and have taught me important lessons on how to treat others and work effectively together.  Some have taught quite the opposite but it is all important in the grand scheme of things.

From myself I’ve learned it is a continuing journey of self discovery and change as I make my way towards my authentic self.  I’ve also learned there is no end to the learning.  This blog helps me challenge my thinking and perspective, put it all together, sometimes take a step back.  As you can see I have been incredibly fortunate to have been blessed with wonderful people to guide me however; I have been ready to take the lessons offered.

Who has influenced you the most in your life?  I would love to hear.

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I thought long and hard on whether to write this blog.  I came to the conclusion that if Katie Couric can have her colonoscopy filmed for prime time television, that’s good enough for me.  She had her test filmed to bring attention to this life saving test that no one, especially me wanted to take.  Her husband died of colon cancer at an early age leaving her and their two young daughters. I’m hoping that by sharing my colonoscopy experience, some of you might decide to get one and potentially save your life.

I did pretty much everything to avoid taking it.  I did the preliminary blood smear test and fortunately that was negative.  I researched having the virtual colonoscopy with the camera which is fine but the preparation is the same and if you have polyps you have to go back and have a regular colonoscopy anyway which means a second day of preparation.

I had and have a fear of this test.  Since I had a bad experience as a teenager in a local hospital, I have avoided any examination in this area.  I actually have a phobia about it.  There must be a name for that.  I remember when I was pregnant and they told me that during labor sometimes they check you rectally to see how many centimeters you are dilated, I said “find another way because that won’t be happening” and I made sure it didn’t.

So now I’m over 50, my Dad had a tumor in his colon and being the reasonably rational person I can be, I’m thinking that I really have to step up and get this done.  I speak to my GP and she writes the referral to my favorite Gastroenterologist.  The appointment was for April and he agrees that I really need to get tested.  The appointment is set for Nov. 4 which is six months away so although when I would think about it my stomach would immediately knot up; it’s still a long ways away.

Have you noticed these things that are far away but not pleasant seem to come up faster than the things we want.  Just an observation….  It was off to Glasgow for the Badminton tournament which we lost in the finals by the way.  I knew when I got back there was only a week left until the DAY!

The week before my doctor’s nurse called to review the instructions for the preparation and I told her what a chicken I am and she assured me they would give me enough sedative to help me through. Even talking to her about it, I was in a cold sweat.  I had arranged to work from home the day before and that is absolutely required.  You need to be home and very close to the bathroom for the entire day.

The day before, you start at 10:00 with the first preparation.  I remember working and looking at the clock, 8:00 - two more hours, 9:00 - one more hour.  It was like I was walking the plank.  10:00 - took the stuff - not as bad as I anticipated, we won’t go into the details of the rest of the day.

I was so exhausted by the end of the day, I actually did sleep some.  My appointment was for 9:30 and I went in about 10:00.  My husband Marc came with me even to change into my hospital gown.  I reiterated my fear to the nurse who was very nice and she said she would take care of things.  As I closed the curtain to get changed, I got big tears in my eyes.  This is it, unless I get stupid here, I’m actually going through with this.  The doctor had said that if I freaked out, I could wait until the end of the day and they would see if they could put me to sleep for the test.

To tell you the truth, other than the fear of the test, the next thing was I was so damn hungry.  Going 38 hours without eating is a first for me.  I’d decided whatever I felt like eating afterward I would have as a reward.   I spent a lot of time fantasizing but couldn’t decide on anything in particular, everything sounded good to me.

So I get called and walk the plank into the room, they set up the IV and give me my drugs.  I feel a little tingling in my hands but that’s about it.  He starts the test and then it gets quite uncomfortable and I complain loudly more than once.  They talk me through it, encouraging me and telling me it’s almost over.  And then it is over.  I honestly don’t know how long it took but it wasn’t long, just felt like an eternity and the drugs did not work on me which I anticipated because my family is very resistant to valium and Demerol.

You guys are going to like this. I forgot to tell you I couldn’t wear any jewelry and had to take off my nail polish.  For those who know me, that is heresy.  Kay without nail polish and jewelry; this is unheard of.  At least they didn’t make me take off my make-up!  Even when my boys were in diapers, I had my nail polish and no chips either thank you very much.  The nurse told me I could leave my socks and shoes on but I looked so silly I took my socks off and put them in the locker.  I’m sitting there freezing my feet off because I don’t want to look silly in my hospital gown.  How’s that for vanity!  Marc went and got my socks and I put them on.

Another funny thing is I’ve been there before for both my son Marc and my husband Marc for gastroscopy (down the throat) and that waiting room is so stressful.  All of these people haven’t eaten, are worried about the test and/or the results.  So you look at all the people in the hospital gowns and you can immediately tell who is getting what test.  The ones that have no pants showing below their gowns are getting the colonoscopies, ha ha ha.  Thank goodness my sense of humor rarely leaves me.  In fact when I’m nervous I make jokes, some of them are even funny.

The test was over, everything is good inside and after a short time I got to leave because the drugs didn’t work and I was stone cold sober.  My husband took me to a local restaurant and I had a nice big breakfast, came home and got back to work.   The feeling of relief was quite overwhelming and that feeling of euphoria lasted at least a day.  I kept saying that great thing about Thursday was that it wasn’t Wednesday.

So I wasn’t terribly brave, I whined and complained but I did it.  That’s the important part.  If you need this test and if you’re over 50 and/or you have family members with a history of colon cancer, please get it done to save yourself and your family heartache and pain.

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This week a friend of mine sent me this.

“First I was dying to finish high school and start college.  And then I was dying to finish college and start working.  Then I was dying to get married and have children.  And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough for me to go back to work.  But then I was dying to retire. And now I am dying and I forgot to live.“

Holy cow, that’s me.  That’s my life.  Not that I didn’t enjoy along the way but not nearly enough.  I was so busy being a good wife, daughter, mother, employee and friend I lost myself somewhere along the way. I was busy planning for the next phase of my life.  It is very hard because I truly believe in service to others.  Our world is in such a mess because of the relentless narcissism, the me me me culture.  Today the news is filled with a teenage girl being gang raped while 20 people looked on.  How can this be?  Have we lost all of our humanity, decency, compassion?

To a certain extent it is normal to want to move to the next phase of our lives.  I can remember wanting to be old enough to live my own life, make my own choices although my parents supported my choices wholeheartedly.  I was very independent but my Dad liked that about me.

I remember a friend of mine was married and her husband had them on such a tight budget to pay off their house that caused such stress they ended up divorcing and having to sell the bloody house.

Dogs definitely have it right.  They live in the moment.  Even if they are abused once they get into a good situation and build trust they move on.  Too bad people are not as resilient as our doggie friends.  We drag along our baggage behind us like a U-haul.

Let’s work to (I almost said “try” but trying is so pathetic) enjoy and appreciate the present in our lives.  Sounds simple but it takes work.  Whether you’re at work, take pleasure in the completing of objectives or supporting your co-workers.  When you are on your way home, take pleasure in the music of your iPod or sound system.  When you get home, show your love for your family.  Give everyone a hug for no reason other than to enjoy the closeness and express how you feel about them.

Life is so complex or maybe it is only complex because we allow it to be.  Eat, sleep, work, learn, and love what else is there? We think of ourselves as sophisticated but the reality is we are just exhausted.

Please don’t let this happen to you.  Appreciate the good in your current situation even if it’s not perfect and enjoy every day.  If you wait for perfection you are doomed.  Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be great!

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