In pursuit of life, love and my authentic self.

I would like to share a story about a woman who was a very dear friend of mine.  Her name was Margaret Fulton but we called her Peggy or Peg.  She died at home last night at the age of 83.  She was my first badminton coach and probably the best friend I’ve ever had.  I met her when I was 12 when she coached an after school badminton program at Valois Park Elementary School.  She was pretty formidable and unbeknownst to me she spotted my potential.   I found her intimidating so I didn’t go back to the program.  She sent her “good cop” partner Marg Bradford to my house to tell me I better come back to the program.  I’m not sure if I wanted to come back or was afraid next time she would come get me in person.

I did go back and that was the beginning of my badminton “career” which ended in my representing Quebec nationally.  She brought me to tournaments and encouraged me.  She made sure I could play at the adult club even though I was truly obnoxious, making fools of the adults by forcing them run while I would laugh.  I was almost kicked out of the club for my behavior and she fought to keep me.   At the time my Mother was drinking heavily and badminton kept me out of trouble and focused on a positive pursuit.

Peggy is the only person who was at both my weddings and she loved both of my husband’s, as you can see from the picture.  She was a tremendous cheerleader for me in my life.  She believed in me always.  She was proud of the person I became.

Peggy was a person who embodied the qualities of honesty and integrity.   She was devoted to her family and was married for over 50 years.   She loved her children Gary and Heather fiercely and was so happy to become a grandmother with the addition of Merissa to the family.  She loved to have fun and play games.  The other true love of her life was cats, she had one cat that lived 22 years.  Before she died she had 10 cats and they brought her great joy and comfort.  Her other great love was the Montreal Canadiens, she supported them since hockey was broadcast exclusively on the radio.   I had an opportunity bring her to a playoff game which she enjoyed immensely.  She watched her last game last Wednesday.

How can you sum up a life in a few paragraphs?  I want to do her justice.  She wasn’t a celebrity; she was a homemaker who was proud to provide a happy home for her family.  She was a loyal and dedicated friend to many.  She never forgot a birthday, anniversary or to send a Christmas card.  Speaking of Christmas she was a nut about Christmas and decorations.  Sometimes she put up two Christmas trees; she had more than enough decorations.  She was able to see this year’s tree and had hoped to hang on until after Christmas but it wasn’t meant to be.

I had the privilege to speak to her just a couple hours before she passed and she told me that her life wouldn’t have been the same without me and I am grateful for that and I feel the same. I told her how much I appreciated what a great friend she had been to me and that I would love her forever.  The suffering is over for her and for her family although they will mourn her loss.

I know I will see her again on the other side and then she won’t be encumbered by an ailing body. She’ll be free again. Until then my dearest friend I will miss you.

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Why is it that our anticipation of an event is so often so much better than the reality?  Do you remember when you were little and you couldn’t wait for Christmas or your birthday or even Halloween?  These events were so magical that they would keep us enthralled for months of the year.  Although my teenage years were difficult my early childhood was amazing.

Let me tell you about my pathetic little anticipatory event this week.  It was our Christmas dinner and as you all know I am on a diet…..again.  Things are going amazing and I’ve lost 11.5 lbs as of today.  Of course I do weight myself daily, buck naked not even a scrap of jewelry on me and we all know how much I love my jewelry.

I had decided beforehand that I would indulge in pizza.  When all is said and done if there was one food I could not give up, it’s pizza; excellent, amazing pizza. Not crappy unworthy pizza.  I enjoyed the pizza to a point, I actually enjoyed the wine more but the pizza upset my stomach.  I’m not used to eating that much fat anymore and my digestive track did not appreciate it.  Even when I was eating it, it wasn’t measuring up to my expectations.  My friend who is also diet ate so much she threw up which I found absolutely hilarious.  That will teach her to be a glutton.

Do you remember getting ready for the party of the year, getting all dressed up in all your finery and the party turns out to be a snore fest?

When I was a little girl my birthdays were magical as were Christmases.  Being an adult, a Mother of three I still had expectations on how my special days would be celebrated.   Quite frankly they just never measured up to my early memories.  That’s because my expectations were not realistic.

All this to say I do have a solution; reduce your expectations! When you let go of what you expect to happen, it allows you to relax and enjoy yourself and not get disappointed when people don’t make the effort for you that you make for them.  While I’m on the subject, make sure you give freely and for the right reasons.  It will avoid you feeling resentment and disappointment.

With Christmas coming up fast it is a perfect time for you to practice this new way to perceive your reality.  It’s just a day.  Make sure you don’t put yourself in debt to provide gifts to loved ones they probably don’t even need.  Take the time to share with others who are not as blessed.  I’m serving a charity Christmas dinner this Saturday with someone I really don’t like, how’s that for Christmas spirit?

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This week was a brutal one for me.  Lots of drama and heartache; my BFF and I decided that a day of hunting for bargains was definitely in order.  We were carrying on the long proud tradition of shopping until our lower backs were screaming and we couldn’t feel our feet anymore.

Saturday morning we set off for Burlington at the crack of dawn.  Burlington is a beautiful town and what I find so pleasant on top of the great shopping is its cleanliness.  I love Montreal but let’s face it, it’s a huge metropolis and there is plenty of dirt and garbage to go around.  So we made the two hour drive through Philipsburg border crossing.  It is a pretty drive through small towns in Quebec and then the Adirondacks.

It’s interesting that many women find shopping both a bonding exercise and a challenge, trying to find the best outfit at the best price.  When we find a real bargain it really is exciting.  It’s kind of like getting away with something; a little guilty pleasure.  Women are highly competitive when it comes to their shopping prowess.  They regularly compare their “finds” with each other to see who is considered the ultimate shopper and who has the best locations.  Depending on your relationship with the “hunter/shopper” she may or may not share her knowledge, she may hoard the information for her own future use.  Whatever you do, don’t try and take another shopper’s find or else you will endure swift punishment.  I recently followed a woman who had the red sweater I wanted over her arm to see if she would put it down.  I guess I wasn’t very subtle because she gave me the death look and I had to back off for my own safety.

We also have a strategy for paying the least amount of duty and taxes.  We travel down in our oldest clothes looking like bag ladies and come back dressed to the nines.  We leave all of our jewelry at home so we can buy earrings, watches and necklaces to wear home.  At the end of the day we go to the washroom and change into our most expensive items and then ditch all the evidence. This of course increases the whole guilty pleasure and danger because now we’re also criminals.   As it turned out the border agent just wished us a good evening but it’s a crap shoot so we were ready.

It’s rather similar to men’s hunting.  Who got the bigger deer in the least amount of time?  Traditionally considered the hunters of the species, this is a testosterone filled activity.  They covet their favorite locations and share only with their hunting buddies should they prove to be worthy.  Hunting is generally followed by the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol to celebrate the kill or drown the sorrows of defeat.  This is concluded with some loud burping and farting which is also rated based on loudness or smelliness.

The shopping is generally followed by eating foods we shouldn’t be eating and some wine to wash it down.  The day is complete once a full post mortem is done on all of the locations visited and each purchase analyzed for its success in terms of quality, price and attractiveness.

Like-minded women sharing time together in close proximity has been proven to be both therapeutic and stress relieving.   I can attest to this being true.  It also gives lots of time to talk about our lives and what’s going well and what is not; to gain perspective.

We had a wonderful day, now it’s time to save up our money and keep a look out for new and exciting hunting locations.

P.S. on the health front I’ve lost 8 lbs and am feeling much better.  Most of my symptoms are gone.  It will take several months to resolve the iron deficiency and vitamin D shortage but I am well on my way.   Thank you to everyone who has supported me on this journey especially my Naturopath, my husband and my friend Eleni who provides either a reality check or encouragement depending on the requirement of the day.

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The results are in, my adrenal glands are “fatigued” and I am deficient in vitamin D and iron.  This is due to my bout with pneumonia and all the antibiotics I had to take.  My fasting blood glucose is higher than the recommended level of 36 - mine is 52.

What does this all mean?  Well let me tell you. My Naturopath has prescribed a program  which I started on October 12.  The aim is to keep my blood glucose levels stable (without major fluctuations), eliminate all sugar and artificial sweeteners and eat a diet of fruits and vegetables with two small servings of protein and one piece of bread.  I drink a special medical shake for breakfast, then take fish oils 3/day (because I don’t eat fish), Relora (3/day) to decrease cortisol levels and reduce stress, Vitamin D (4/day), Vitamin 5/6 (1/day), Probiotics (2/day), Multivitamins (2/day), Vitamin C (4/day) and iron pills (2/day).

My goal is to lose some weight that causes inflammation which affects the immune system, and to reduce my allergies.  I stopped taking all allergy medications on the weekend and so far so good.

The Relora is very good to reduce the stress and curb hunger.  I recommend it.  Check it out on the web.  This product has been around since 2000 and is very well tolerated and can be used indefinitely.    I also find taking the vitamin C helps my allergies.  I am very motivated to feel better.

I’m continuing to do my relaxation exercises daily, Tai Chi and reading about “letting go”.

This trip to the Naturopath cost me $263.00 for the appointment and the supplements.  I’m viewing this as an investment in my health.  Last week I needed to order additional supplements for $136.  I am currently at $900 over the last month including products but not including food.

I have learned that although I did not overeat, I ate way too many carbohydrates which my body was turning into fat.  I will have to accept that a low carbohydrate diet will be necessary if I want to maintain a healthy body weight.

So wish me luck.  I’ve committed to doing this for one month, after which I will re-evaluate.   I even had to give up wine.  Now that’s a sacrifice!

There is one aspect I find worrisome.  Naturopaths sell products they prescribe.  This is part of their business model.  It would be helpful to get information from individuals who do not have a vested interest other than their patient’s well being.  I’m confident that my Naturopath is competent and she comes highly recommended.  It is the concept I find disturbing.  I realize doctors are visited by drug company representatives all the time but I find this a little too close for comfort.

I would love to hear about any experiences you’ve had with Naturopathy.

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I recently discovered that my immune system is not what it should be. This was upsetting since if you remember I had pneumonia in February of this year for the first time in my life and unfortunately this gift just keeps on giving.

In May after my wheezing had not subsided I visited my allergist who after testing informed me I am now very allergic to my two Labradors; this after never being allergic to dogs all my life.

In August after a cold just would not go away, my doctor told me that my antibodies that had to shift into high gear to fight off the pneumonia were still all “stirred up” causing my allergies to act up. He assured me that eventually everything would calm down.

In September I received abnormal results from a checkup and I’m told that I am very run down and need to get a grip on both my stress and build up my immune system for follow-up tests in six months. My doctor’s only suggestion is that my husband take me for a walk every night. Sounds more like what the vet should be saying for my dogs. Not very helpful.

So this is the background to my visit to a Naturopath. My first visit I had to go back almost to “in utero” giving all the details of any illness I had ever had along with my family and what they all died from.

Let me tell you that this is not for people on a fixed income. Before I left I was over $500 poorer including blood tests which hopefully will be reimbursed. I did learn a few good tips like taking vitamins with food and herbs without food.

My doctor wants me to lose weight and will give me my “program” this Thursday for another $112. Wait until she finds out I don’t eat fish!

I am now taking probiotics ($42 for one month) and vitamins ($65 for one month). She wants me to read “Language of letting go by Melodie Beattie” which I have ordered.  I have given up adding salt at the table which is a huge step for me but frankly it was not that hard. I’m doing my relaxation exercises every day and exercising 3 times a week including my Tai Chi class. I’m taking garlic and Manuke honey to improve my immune system. (BTW Manuke honey is $40 for a regular size bottle of regular honey 500 ml)

All this to say I’m angry because I do more than most people to maintain my health and my body is betraying me. I don’t smoke, drink one glass of wine during the week and 2 on weekends, exercise, eat better than most people I know, take vitamins and still it’s not enough. What the hell is going on?

So wish me luck this week because I’m worried she is going to require that I give up everything I like to eat, my wine and coffee. Of course it’s my choice what to do however, so far I haven’t been successful in getting  myself healthy and it’s pretty clear I need to do more.

In re-reading this there appears to be a fair amount of whine in my wine. Forgive me; I am in a weakened state.

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I‘ve been rather complacent as my friends and family get the occasional ticket, whether it be for speeding, parking or stop sign violations.  It was something that happens to others, that is until last Friday when I joined the club.

I was assigned last week to a new project and Friday morning on my way to work, it dawned on me I had committed to the next 6 weeks without considering that I have a week’s vacation planned during that timeframe.  I was very frustrated at myself for not remembering.   I was stuck between not fulfilling my commitment and disappointing my husband.  Not a good place to be.

The bottom line is that I was not paying enough attention to my driving and I did not come to a complete stop at the stop in front of a school.  I was so distracted that I didn’t even notice I had a cop on my tail with his lights flashing.  Finally I looked in my mirror and caught on.

The policeman was curt and took my papers.  Fortunately I had everything up to date and since I’ve never had a ticket before there was nothing for him to do but write up the ticket.  While I was sitting there in the seat of “shame” it was rather surreal.  I felt badly because I am a careful person, I don’t speed and I know exactly where that cop sits to monitor that stop.  Also if I was that distracted, had a child run into the road perhaps I would have not reacted as well as I could have.  It was a wake-up call.

People at work asked me if I tried to talk my way out of it.  Frankly it never occurred to me, I was guilty.  Plus the cop was about as approachable as a piranha.

So $154 later and 3 demerit points, I no longer have a pristine driving record.  Oh well, 35 years of driving with not so much as a parking ticket is pretty good.

At least I’m still getting my week’s vacation.  Please be careful out there, a moment’s distraction can lead to tragedy.

Tell me about your worst ticket experience.  I know you’re out there.

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I realized today that I’m a people gardener.  I have all these wonderful people in my life and they all need different “treatments” from me.  That could be my husband, his family (which are now my family too), my children and my friends.  Some need to be watered, others fed and lots of them need talking to.

They all need stuff from me; mostly in the form of support, advice or help of some kind.  I am blessed that I now have people in my life who support me back and that is really cool because for a long time I did not.  This was partially my own fault because I exhausted myself going to the nth degree for people who were not worthy of my effort.  It does not mean these people were not worthy of others but not of me.

So we have my children who are grown up but still need their Mum quite often for which I am glad most of the time.  When I was a young Mother I believed once my children were 18 they would be fully grown and totally independent. I remember voicing that fairy tale to an older friend of mine and she almost fell off her chair laughing.  We still laugh about that today.  On the other hand I wouldn’t want them not to need their Mum.

Then we have my husband who takes as much care of me as I do of him.  My single girlfriends hold him up as the model husband and say they won’t get married until they find a “Marc”.  That’s quite a compliment.  Safe to say we won’t be throwing him to the curb any time soon.

We have Marc’s family which I do love for who they are; his Mother and his younger Brother.  We get along very well, for which I am grateful.  Seeing as my first Mother-in-law was such a wonderful person, I have been extremely lucky in that regard.  I have never experienced the dreaded Mother-in-law stories I’ve heard from others.  Of course I did have the stepmother from hell but that’s an entirely different story.

Then we have my vast array of friends.  I think I mentioned before that I collect people.  Now I am more discerning when it comes to my collection but there are so many nice ones out there, how can I resist?  They all have their stories (as we all do) but seriously some of them are pretty dramatic.  I sit here writing to you while my friends live lives full of the drama of ex-husbands or soon to be ex-husbands, seriously ill children and slightly wacko parents who mean well but just add gasoline to the little dramas of the day.  Sometimes I’m exhausted just from living vicariously through them.  I had a time in my life when there was significant drama going on and I’m glad that has past - at least for now…

So I’ll just keep on people gardening.  I’ll just watch from the sidelines and cheer you guys on.  Good luck, hope you don’t screw up but if you do, I’ll be here.

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How do you react when you faced with anger from your friend or mate?  How do you react when you’re angry? It is incredibly important how you treat your friends (at least the ones you want to keep) and even more important is how you treat your mate.

How do you handle when you someone makes you really mad?  Do you pretend its okay and then at some totally inappropriate time attack the person (getting them back).  I believe that’s referred to as passive / aggressive behaviour.  You pretend it is okay when it’s not.  Actually what I call it is dishonest.

Or you accumulate all of the little hurts, pretending all along that it’s all good and then at some tiny infraction not necessarily related to anything, you dump this bag of shit on the person who stands there completely bamboozled by the onslaught.

Does either of these two scenarios ring any bells? I actually had one family member who kept index cards, each one written out and kept in a recipe box with the details of the alleged indiscretion.  Can you beat that? I’m thinking not.

I can tell you that if this is how you handle when you get mad or hurt you’re in for a rough ride in the relationship department.  Definitely that old expression, “love means never having to say you’re sorry” was written by either someone completely psychotic or forever single.

It’s hard to fight fair but the alternative is destructive.  You may not think so and because your mate or friend may choose to forgive you but trust me they don’t forget.  These events cut the fabric or your relationship.  Being able to disagree and come together without trying to destroy each other creates a bond.  It builds trust and that is very important in a relationship.

May I suggest you wait until you’re calm or at least calmer before expressing your emotions.  Remember that this person is important to you and your happiness.  Having a relationship does not give you carte blanche to dump your emotions indiscriminately.  On top of that it shows a lack of mental discipline.  We all get mad; it’s how you deal with it which will show your maturity and consideration for others.

Fighting fairly can really improve your relationships.  The ability to express your needs without devastating your partner makes it much more likely that he or she will 1) be in a mental place to listen and 2) that they will make an effort to accommodate you or make a change.

What I work to remember (and it is work) when I’m imagining the hurtful things I could say - is that this person is my loved one and we love each other.  I consciously remember all the great things that person does for me and how much they mean to me.  Once I’ve calmed down I can also see their side of things - which is very difficult when you’re seeing red!

Another technique I use regularly is writing the proverbial “dear shithead” letter.  Just write it as mean and ugly as you want but whatever you do don’t send it.  I’ve kept a couple and read them back after a few months and they are hilarious but they did the trick.  I got to express all those ugly emotions in a safe environment and I didn’t hurt anybody’s feelings.  The person never knew I wrote it and it was all good.

I encourage you to reflect on how you react when you’re mad - this includes your friends, your mate, and most definitely your children.  I certainly have made my share of mistakes but I can honestly say I have never said anything to my family that I don’t mean.  It is important to be authentic with your feelings as long as you’ve taken the time to ensure they are your true feelings.

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Once upon a time I was needle phobic.  Then I got pregnant and had to have blood drawn to protect my unborn baby so I put my big girl pants on and had it done.  Imagine at 20 years old being checked for syphilis now that’s gross but it was standard procedure.  Just for the record, it was negative.

So now I could get a blood test done without having an anxiety attack but I still wouldn’t voluntarily go and get stuck.  Over time I began to feel a little guilty because there are a lot of people who can’t give blood, add to that those who are scared, and those who don’t give a damn, there aren’t many people left.

I was faced with a situation when my sister was having an operation and I wanted to donate but they wouldn’t take my blood for a direct transfer and as it turns out we didn’t have the same blood type.  It did get me thinking that the blood she got was from someone who did step up.

My friend volunteered every year for a memorial clinic at our elementary school.  One year we made a pact that the two “chickens” would take the whole year to gird up our loins (look it up) and then give blood at the next year’s blood donor clinic.  Boy that year flew by!  But true to our word we stood in line to get poked.

The needle is rather large and because I have low blood pressure, I have to squeeze a ball the whole time.  It’s a great feeling and everyone is very nice plus you get cookies at the end, so it can’t be that bad.

I will give you one tip I learned the hard way the last time I gave blood.  I didn’t eat before I went and went afterwards to a restaurant, had two glasses of wine and passed out flat on the floor before dinner.  The ambulance came, it was so embarrassing.  I didn’t give blood for two years.

The pre-donation questionnaire gets more restrictive every near.  No more having sex with monkeys, too bad.  My favorite question is whether over the last 12 months I’ve been in prison.  I’m assuming this wasn’t a metaphor because I did say no.

This weekend Hema Quebec called me again…  I gave in and agreed to go tonight.  It went very well and I’m proud to say that this was my 15^th donation which is not as much as it could be but it’s not too bad.  It only took 7 minutes and it arguably the best spent time of my day, maybe my month.

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