In pursuit of life, love and my authentic self.

Today I hadn’t chosen what to write about but a young lady I know is about to give birth and it struck me how important my experience with breastfeeding has been to me.  Of course, it has been many years but I remember it vividly.  I have also provided coaching to young Mothers to help them to be successful a number of times.

I was a very young expectant Mum, having been married at 18 and pregnant for the first time at 20.  Interestingly enough, I had no intention of breastfeeding.  I had no one to talk to this about having lost my Mother and quite frankly the thought of it did not appeal to me in the slightest.  Having heard about what happens to your breasts as a result did not help convince me.  I said repeatedly that they were for decoration only to my husband.

Thankfully my ignorance did not end up costing me and my children this experience.  I registered for a very exclusive prenatal class for those wishing a non-medicated birth.  I faithfully did all the exercises, visualizations and readied myself.  Along the way as my baby grew in me, the thought of breastfeeding became less gross.  By the end of my pregnancy I was pumped (a little breast feeding humor) to exclusively breast feed my baby.

On July 14, 1976 at 5:20 a.m. my first born son arrived.  He was really sleepy after a long birth and basically did not wake up until two days later although the nurses did everything to wake him up.  They opened his mouth, they flicked his heels, and they poked him a little.  Nothing!  They sent me home after 48 hours and then he woke up and so did my boobs.  Holy cow Batman, they were huge, hard and sore.  This is perfectly normal and passes in a day or two.  This plumbing has never worked before.  My dear Mother-in-law who bottle fed her babies was concerned the baby wasn’t getting enough but we were told as long as there were 8-10 wet diapers a day, he was.

At his first pediatrician appointment when he was four weeks old, he had gained 3 ½ lbs.  There was never a question again if he was getting enough!

It wasn’t easy the first time because it’s an adjustment becoming a parent and took three months to get the kinks out.  There is no closer connection you can have to someone than breastfeeding your baby.   I will always remember looking down at their face and them looking back at me in adoration.  As it turned out, I have bad allergies and asthma in my family which I was not aware of at the time and it was crucial that I nurse.   This same baby has those allergies and eventually became asthmatic at six years old.  The doctors told me had I not nursed him he would have had it at 18 months.  I did nurse each of my children exclusively on breast milk until six months and continued on to a year.  Now most people do nurse, at least for a while and this is great.  Any amount of time is good.  My advice to you is don’t give up if you run into a problem, there are people who can help you get over any obstacle.  If women could nurse their babies in bomb shelters with bombs going off over their heads during World War II, you can too if you want to.  And btw my boobs are just fine thank you.

This blog is dedicated to Lea Lisa Lurette who I know will be an awesome Mother and Amy Dore for being an awesome Mother to my grandchildren and a fellow breastfeeding Mom.

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To get to a certain age as I have, I’ve had many many teachers.  It is time to acknowledge their contribution to who I am.  We are guided by many hands and hearts along the way.   We can learn by both positive and negative experiences.  What to do and what not to do.

From my Mum I learned to be caring Mother.  I learned I was loved and wanted, these are important building blocks which you only understand the value of later in life.  I also learned that anyone can become an alcoholic, it doesn’t matter how smart and nice you are and as much as she loved us, she couldn’t stop, at least she didn’t stop.

From my Dad who was a very tough business man I learned that if I was prepared to work hard enough, I could achieve pretty much anything I put my mind to.  He instilled confidence in my ability. This has served me well over the years. Since he died, I’ve realized he did love me unconditionally, I just didn’t know it.  I also learned to be there emotionally for your family which he was not capable of but I’ve also learned he was a product of his time and this was not valued or expected from a British man.

From my Sister I learned incredible courage and tenacity through adversity and pain.  Whenever I have to endure something difficult I think of what she went through and I tell myself I can do it.  She was my big Sister and my protector and I miss that terribly.

From my children I’ve learned how much I would do to help them, what it is to feel unconditional love, what pride and fear feels like sometimes at the same time.  The emotions of parenthood run the gamut.

From my Grandchildren I’ve learned how incredibly special they are to me and how intensely close I feel to them, the depth of the connection between generations.

From my real friends I’ve learned I don’t have to be superwoman all the time, sometimes I can just be me and that’s good enough.  I can let them take care of me once and a while, it won’t kill me.

From my husband I’ve learned what it’s like to be loved for who I really am inside, for myself and to have a soft place to fall.

There are many other people in my professional life past and present that influence me daily and have taught me important lessons on how to treat others and work effectively together.  Some have taught quite the opposite but it is all important in the grand scheme of things.

From myself I’ve learned it is a continuing journey of self discovery and change as I make my way towards my authentic self.  I’ve also learned there is no end to the learning.  This blog helps me challenge my thinking and perspective, put it all together, sometimes take a step back.  As you can see I have been incredibly fortunate to have been blessed with wonderful people to guide me however; I have been ready to take the lessons offered.

Who has influenced you the most in your life?  I would love to hear.

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I thought long and hard on whether to write this blog.  I came to the conclusion that if Katie Couric can have her colonoscopy filmed for prime time television, that’s good enough for me.  She had her test filmed to bring attention to this life saving test that no one, especially me wanted to take.  Her husband died of colon cancer at an early age leaving her and their two young daughters. I’m hoping that by sharing my colonoscopy experience, some of you might decide to get one and potentially save your life.

I did pretty much everything to avoid taking it.  I did the preliminary blood smear test and fortunately that was negative.  I researched having the virtual colonoscopy with the camera which is fine but the preparation is the same and if you have polyps you have to go back and have a regular colonoscopy anyway which means a second day of preparation.

I had and have a fear of this test.  Since I had a bad experience as a teenager in a local hospital, I have avoided any examination in this area.  I actually have a phobia about it.  There must be a name for that.  I remember when I was pregnant and they told me that during labor sometimes they check you rectally to see how many centimeters you are dilated, I said “find another way because that won’t be happening” and I made sure it didn’t.

So now I’m over 50, my Dad had a tumor in his colon and being the reasonably rational person I can be, I’m thinking that I really have to step up and get this done.  I speak to my GP and she writes the referral to my favorite Gastroenterologist.  The appointment was for April and he agrees that I really need to get tested.  The appointment is set for Nov. 4 which is six months away so although when I would think about it my stomach would immediately knot up; it’s still a long ways away.

Have you noticed these things that are far away but not pleasant seem to come up faster than the things we want.  Just an observation….  It was off to Glasgow for the Badminton tournament which we lost in the finals by the way.  I knew when I got back there was only a week left until the DAY!

The week before my doctor’s nurse called to review the instructions for the preparation and I told her what a chicken I am and she assured me they would give me enough sedative to help me through. Even talking to her about it, I was in a cold sweat.  I had arranged to work from home the day before and that is absolutely required.  You need to be home and very close to the bathroom for the entire day.

The day before, you start at 10:00 with the first preparation.  I remember working and looking at the clock, 8:00 - two more hours, 9:00 - one more hour.  It was like I was walking the plank.  10:00 - took the stuff - not as bad as I anticipated, we won’t go into the details of the rest of the day.

I was so exhausted by the end of the day, I actually did sleep some.  My appointment was for 9:30 and I went in about 10:00.  My husband Marc came with me even to change into my hospital gown.  I reiterated my fear to the nurse who was very nice and she said she would take care of things.  As I closed the curtain to get changed, I got big tears in my eyes.  This is it, unless I get stupid here, I’m actually going through with this.  The doctor had said that if I freaked out, I could wait until the end of the day and they would see if they could put me to sleep for the test.

To tell you the truth, other than the fear of the test, the next thing was I was so damn hungry.  Going 38 hours without eating is a first for me.  I’d decided whatever I felt like eating afterward I would have as a reward.   I spent a lot of time fantasizing but couldn’t decide on anything in particular, everything sounded good to me.

So I get called and walk the plank into the room, they set up the IV and give me my drugs.  I feel a little tingling in my hands but that’s about it.  He starts the test and then it gets quite uncomfortable and I complain loudly more than once.  They talk me through it, encouraging me and telling me it’s almost over.  And then it is over.  I honestly don’t know how long it took but it wasn’t long, just felt like an eternity and the drugs did not work on me which I anticipated because my family is very resistant to valium and Demerol.

You guys are going to like this. I forgot to tell you I couldn’t wear any jewelry and had to take off my nail polish.  For those who know me, that is heresy.  Kay without nail polish and jewelry; this is unheard of.  At least they didn’t make me take off my make-up!  Even when my boys were in diapers, I had my nail polish and no chips either thank you very much.  The nurse told me I could leave my socks and shoes on but I looked so silly I took my socks off and put them in the locker.  I’m sitting there freezing my feet off because I don’t want to look silly in my hospital gown.  How’s that for vanity!  Marc went and got my socks and I put them on.

Another funny thing is I’ve been there before for both my son Marc and my husband Marc for gastroscopy (down the throat) and that waiting room is so stressful.  All of these people haven’t eaten, are worried about the test and/or the results.  So you look at all the people in the hospital gowns and you can immediately tell who is getting what test.  The ones that have no pants showing below their gowns are getting the colonoscopies, ha ha ha.  Thank goodness my sense of humor rarely leaves me.  In fact when I’m nervous I make jokes, some of them are even funny.

The test was over, everything is good inside and after a short time I got to leave because the drugs didn’t work and I was stone cold sober.  My husband took me to a local restaurant and I had a nice big breakfast, came home and got back to work.   The feeling of relief was quite overwhelming and that feeling of euphoria lasted at least a day.  I kept saying that great thing about Thursday was that it wasn’t Wednesday.

So I wasn’t terribly brave, I whined and complained but I did it.  That’s the important part.  If you need this test and if you’re over 50 and/or you have family members with a history of colon cancer, please get it done to save yourself and your family heartache and pain.

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This week a friend of mine sent me this.

“First I was dying to finish high school and start college.  And then I was dying to finish college and start working.  Then I was dying to get married and have children.  And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough for me to go back to work.  But then I was dying to retire. And now I am dying and I forgot to live.“

Holy cow, that’s me.  That’s my life.  Not that I didn’t enjoy along the way but not nearly enough.  I was so busy being a good wife, daughter, mother, employee and friend I lost myself somewhere along the way. I was busy planning for the next phase of my life.  It is very hard because I truly believe in service to others.  Our world is in such a mess because of the relentless narcissism, the me me me culture.  Today the news is filled with a teenage girl being gang raped while 20 people looked on.  How can this be?  Have we lost all of our humanity, decency, compassion?

To a certain extent it is normal to want to move to the next phase of our lives.  I can remember wanting to be old enough to live my own life, make my own choices although my parents supported my choices wholeheartedly.  I was very independent but my Dad liked that about me.

I remember a friend of mine was married and her husband had them on such a tight budget to pay off their house that caused such stress they ended up divorcing and having to sell the bloody house.

Dogs definitely have it right.  They live in the moment.  Even if they are abused once they get into a good situation and build trust they move on.  Too bad people are not as resilient as our doggie friends.  We drag along our baggage behind us like a U-haul.

Let’s work to (I almost said “try” but trying is so pathetic) enjoy and appreciate the present in our lives.  Sounds simple but it takes work.  Whether you’re at work, take pleasure in the completing of objectives or supporting your co-workers.  When you are on your way home, take pleasure in the music of your iPod or sound system.  When you get home, show your love for your family.  Give everyone a hug for no reason other than to enjoy the closeness and express how you feel about them.

Life is so complex or maybe it is only complex because we allow it to be.  Eat, sleep, work, learn, and love what else is there? We think of ourselves as sophisticated but the reality is we are just exhausted.

Please don’t let this happen to you.  Appreciate the good in your current situation even if it’s not perfect and enjoy every day.  If you wait for perfection you are doomed.  Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be great!

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Have you ever had a week when so many things happened to affect your emotions? I live by my emotions, I often do a sanity check with my logical side but at the end of the day the emotions and my heart win.

Well this was that week for me. The weird thing it all happened to people I care deeply about. Last Saturday I went with my friend who has been suffering paralysis in her face (Bell’s palsy) to the hospital to finally get a diagnosis for a myriad of symptoms and a neurologist to assist. We got up at 4:00 in the morning and were first to arrive in the emergency department. I told them I was her “patient advocate” and that we would not be leaving until we had answers. Seven hours later we left there with a diagnosis, a plan and a doctor to follow her case. It was exhausting and draining and when I got home I went to bed and it was only 5:00 in the afternoon. She has been trying for six months to get the answers she needed.

One of my dear friends who is much younger than myself was facing a challenging situation at work. Instead of reacting negatively to a new assignment, she did quite the opposite and I was so proud of her and the extraordinary young woman she is.

Then on Thursday another dear friend received crushing news about her Mother who is terminal and that the cancer is now in her spine. I had been trying to get assistance that would allow her to fly to Peru whenever she needs to but I had not been successful; when I received her news, another friend was able to make it happen and she will leave tomorrow to see her Mother.

My eldest son Richard was on CBC TV and radio to expose the conditions of the building he has been living in (with no heat) and although he is moving out has had the personal integrity and honesty to tell the truth and to get help for those who are still living there. For his trouble the landlord has threatened him. But the good news is the people left in the building now have heat including a 70 year old lady. So yes, I did something right and I am incredibly proud of the humanity and integrity of all three of my children.

Yesterday I call up the young lady who cuts our grass for one more cut before the winter and for some reason I asked her Dad how he is and he tells me he’s just finished his 35^th radiation treatment and that he has stage four throat cancer. I am completely blown away because when I last spoke to him in July he was fine but he was diagnosed on July 28^th. Since then he’s gone through three courses of chemo, and all that radiation. I don’t even think he is forty. He has three kids and a lovely wife and at this point the best he can do is move himself from the couch to his bed and back.

Today I went to church for the first time (other than weddings and funerals) in perhaps 20 years. I joined a friend of mine at her church which a community church rather than denominational one. Lots of singing; it was very high tech and directed towards young people. It was standing room only and the pastor was really amazing, a young guy with shoulder length hair, three kids and a very low key approach. I really enjoyed the experience and prayed for all my friends and family.

So I guess you can see why I’m a little drained. I feel like one of those bobble head dogs in the back of a car. This week I’m going to fly to Glasgow Scotland to play a badminton tournament. Wish me luck!

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I’ll start the week with my own comment since no one commented on last week’s blog - “Counseling - Could You Use Some Help?“.  I mean NO ONE.  I think asking for help is a growth experience and even though no one commented on it, I hope you read it and stored it away for a rainy day when it could be of benefit to you.

Sometime during the end of my children’s adolescence period, I became acutely aware that I had spent the last 5 years living in fear.  I was afraid they would do something that couldn’t be fixed; they would get into a car with someone who had been drinking, that they would get sick and die.  I am very good at fast forwarding to the worst-case scenario in a nano second.  Actually I realized I had been living in fear from the most unlikely source.  I was watching an episode of the Sopranos and Tony turned to Carmella and said “we’ve been scared to death” referring to the behavior of his teenage boy.  It clicked, holy cow that was me.  You already know I have a challenge when it comes to letting go and this was in the 90’s so I have evolved somewhat.  So take heart you parents of teenagers, this too will pass but in the meantime you will be scared when you send your hormone-laden offspring off to do who knows what on Saturday night.  No real advice here, just make sure they know they can call you anytime and you won’t get mad at them for reaching out and every chance you get give them some love, your real children will re-surface somewhere between 16 and 18.

Over the last year I’ve realized that a great deal of my life has been controlled by fear.  Some of this is normal given how many people I’ve lost; my greatest fear is of someone in my family getting a terminal illness or dying in any form.  But in addition to this I can see now that all the way back to being a small child I experienced fear.  Fear is a great emotion when used properly.  You don’t take that step off the subway platform, you don’t run through the red light or turn your wheel to drive off the bridge; all good!  Not doing what you want in life, not ending poor relationships, staying in a bad job, not providing the appropriate amount of discipline to your children is not good.  I could go on but you get the point.   I have definitely been guilty of some of these sins.  Fear of conflict (big one for me), fear of not being loved (even bigger) and fear of being abandoned (jackpot!).

This is a facet of my live I have been working hard on for a number of years.  I wouldn’t say that I’ve conquered fear - I control it. Soldiers experience fear in battle, it’s normal and necessary for self-preservation but that they go and do what they have to do in spite of it.  The three personalities of fear, the timid one is afraid before the battle, the coward is afraid during the battle and the hero is afraid after the battle.  Every day we have our own little battles to wage.

I’ve worked hard on the conflict aspect and this is where I’ve had the most success.   I’ve never had a problem “sticking up” for my loved ones and friends, mostly myself.  I avoided conflict like the plague.  Let’s not forget I am a child of British parents and they are very much expected to be “good” children.   I think I only really understood that my Father would have loved me no matter what after he was gone.

So to end this blog on a positive note because after all it is Thanksgiving and I have a great deal to be thankful for and I have to go and start making the turkey, I will list the things I am no longer afraid of.

1.         I no longer fear my children won’t love me.

2.         I no longer stay in friendships that don’t deserve me.

3.         I no longer fear losing my job. (this took work!)

Please share with me your fears and your techniques to control them.  Maybe together we could get rid of a few more.

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My inspiration for my weekly blog topic can come from anywhere and I do mean anywhere.  This week I was driving back from the store past the office of the Psychotherapist I went to see last year.  Since you already know almost all the intimate details of my life, why stop now!  I do still have a few secrets and time will tell whether I will divulge them to you… but it is looking good.

The reason I want to share my experiences in therapy is for you to consider the potential this can have to make your life easier and to get your life and relationships back on track - or at least to move on.  The first time I reached out for counseling was when my Sister Jean (nicknamed Dee-Dee) was diagnosed with one of the worst cancers in the world. (Lyo-myo sarcoma)  No one has ever survived, there were only 31 known cases in the world at the time and normally people died within the year.  My Sister was a 37 year old special education teacher who was a top athlete, ate well, didn’t smoke and drank an occasional glass of wine.  She and two of her teacher friends were all trying to get pregnant at the same time.  The other two got pregnant and she got cancer and died.  Now you’re starting to see why I needed a shrink!  The reason we went as a family was that my children were very close to my Sister.  Although a tragedy was unfolding I wanted to ensure that we would provide the best emotional support to them during this time. I returned to see that therapist during my divorce for a few sessions and it did help me put things in perspective.  Once I went with one of my children during what I refer to affectionately as the “teenage crazies” but this was ostensibly for him.   I also went last year when I felt there were problems with my relationships with my grown children and my inability to “let go”.  This time it was all about me.  That was a life-changing experience.

The message I want to share is that the first time I went I did feel a little weird, I looked around the waiting room to try and figure out what could be “wrong” with the other people and why they would need an expert to figure out their lives.  I would be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling a little uncomfortable about having to admit I needed help but something my sister said about parents of children with problems is “the good parents ask for help, the bad parents don’t even know they need it”.  This has stayed with me.  For my kids I have no ego, whatever it takes to help them, I’m there.  For myself, it is harder but I’m fine with going now and wouldn’t hesitate to ask for help again.

Here’s the deal - Sometimes bad things happen and you can A) figure it out yourself, take lots of time and energy and maybe come to the wrong conclusion or B) you can ask for some help from someone who has no stake in the outcome and fast track the process.  I hate, repeat hate to be unhappy whether it be in a relationship or a job, I will always find a way to get happy again.  If that takes some help, well so be it.

It is important to find a therapist that suits your style and you have confidence can help you and this can take some trial and error.  For example, the therapist I saw with my teenager would not have been appropriate for me personally.  She was too soft, too slow moving but it was fine for that circumstance.  I need someone who is very direct. Don’t give up if you’ve gone and you didn’t “click” with the person.  Ask your friends for recommendations, that’s how I found everyone I’ve gone to.  When I go, I want to figure out what’s happening, how I can fix it or deal with it and move on.  You also have to be ready emotionally.  Sounds terrible but my experience is that you have to be pretty miserable to reach out.

I’m not suggesting that you run to the therapist when you are able to resolve the issue through hard work, effort, friends and family or with the passage of time.  Make sure that you take accountability for your own life and happiness even if “shit happens”.  A therapist will only help you structure your thoughts and give you direction, the work is still up to you and the results depend on you.  Change is hard and we don’t do it voluntarily, we do it because we are in psychological, physical or financial pain.

Ultimately it’s a choice.  If you can figure out everything yourself, more power to you.  But if you’re like me and at times in my life have needed a little help and perspective, ask for help.  Before my sister died, I considered asking for help as a weakness, now I consider it strength.

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When I got divorced I had to be with people especially on Friday and Saturday nights.  I was already feeling like a loser so not having something to do on the weekend confirmed this belief.  I had joint custody with my ex-husband so I had the boys one week out of two.  Since they were all three teenagers at the time; that turned out to be a good thing.  For those of you who have teenagers you’ll understand that statement.  For those who haven’t experienced that stage in life, just wait a few years, you will.

Fortunately I had a great friend who helped me through this period and we hung out, went shopping with no money (because I had no money) and on Sunday nights I would eat roast beef with her family.  She had been widowed very early and had three children of her own.

I remember that it was very important at the time that I have a date for the weekend.  I was 37 and going through the “post divorce” validation period where I needed to feel wanted and sexy.  So I started dating and even went to one “singles” event which was definitely a low point.  I had nothing in common with these people other than that I was also single.  For those of you going through a break-up, this is a normal part of the process; it just doesn’t feel normal at the time.  It is very hard especially if you been in a relationship for a long time.  In my case it was 22 years.  I had not dated since I was 15.

What was interesting is what I discovered along the way.  First I didn’t find anyone to have a relationship with, second I realized I had much more fun during an evening with my friend and her kids and third, and this is even more important, is that it is good to take time to be alone.  These realizations did not come overnight but over a period of several months.  Just to be by yourself and like it.

Previous to my divorce I liked being alone.  When you have a husband and three kids, these times are few and far between.  I remember at one point, the only time I was alone was the 13 minutes it took to drive to work and back each day.  I turned up the radio and sang my heart out (I still do that).  I had to get back to enjoying my own company.  I was a stay at home Mom for 12 years and I thoroughly enjoyed that time.  You have to enjoy your own company to stay home and not go snaky because you spend a lot of time alone and doing mundane tasks.  I was very busy taking care of my little family, volunteering at the school and being a Scout leader and during the last 3 years, taking care of my Sister Jean who had developed cancer.

There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely.  Apparently 70% of married people admit to being lonely.  So for those of you out there thinking that it’s magic in every relationship, that’s just not the case.  It is truly better to be on your own, rather than in a bad relationship.  I think that taking the time to really know yourself, understand what you want in a relationship if you do want one, is very important.  Fortunately, being single is no longer the stigma it once was and many people are enjoying and embracing the concept.  Being single doesn’t mean that you don’t have friends or relationships; you just don’t make the lifelong commitment to stick to one.

So today please slow down a little even if is just for a few minutes, take stock of all the things you like to do alone because appreciating your own talents and qualities is good for your soul.  When I write this blog, I am alone with my thoughts and my feelings and it is good for my soul to share it with you.

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Wow I’m realizing how many cheerleaders I have and I would like to acknowledge them.  I’m adding to my team readers of the blog and that make me feel really happy and encouraged.  Having this support team around me I can do more, personally and professionally.  I’ve told you folk’s things I haven’t previously told my best friends.  This is because you have been so encouraging and supportive.  This has allowed me to share painful aspects of my life but at the same time, they were huge growth experiences and made me who I am today.

I have cheerleaders of every age and background.  I have my husband, my children, their girlfriends and friends to my co-workers, my husband’s family, my own friends and blog readers.  Everyone brings a different aspect to my life depending on my role in theirs.  Now that I am in my 50’s I am more of a mentor to my younger friends and co-workers. Now that my children are past the teenage years they often seek counsel.   I see them struggle the way I did.  Several of these young people are extraordinary, much more interesting than I was at their age.   At their age I was a young married woman with three children trying to make ends meets and not thinking much about anything other than taking care of them.

I am writing this because I would like you to look around your life and see who your cheerleaders are.  You may not have as many as me because frankly I “collect” people.  Some people collect stamps, coins, figurines, for me its people.  Please take the time to acknowledge your cheerleaders.  Women especially need their network in order to celebrate the good times and survive the bad ones. Consider adding to your team, that’s what I did this year.  It’s normal that from time to time you will lose a friend for whatever reason; there are many many great people to share your life with.  Go get them, add them as cheerleaders and enjoy the warmth and encouragement we can bring to each other’s lives.

Results of the Criticism Challenge: Well I didn’t make it through an hour of the challenge.  I would say 50% of the criticism is self directed, I’m fat, I’m ugly, and I’m old.  I didn’t write them down because it would have been a full time job.   It is very hard not to be critical when things are obviously not right.  When people lie or don’t do what they are supposed to do or when someone is 200 lbs and wearing spandex.  I really don’t think this is criticism per se but I still have a long way to go but that’s okay, as long as I’m going in the right direction and awareness is the first step.  I was not aware how critical I can be.  I am somewhat disappointed because I thought I was less so and that most of my criticism is thought and not act but I would prefer not to think in that manner.  I will continue to work on it but it was an eye opener.  I would be having a conversation with someone and all of a sudden I realized I had been critical.  Last week I wouldn’t have been aware I was doing it.  I will keep you informed of my progress.  I think this is an important aspect to improve on.

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