In pursuit of life, love and my authentic self.

I guess we all receive e-mails with inspiring messages.  At least we women get quite a few of these.  My friends know not to send me e-mails that have to be forwarded and if they do that by mistake I take the forwarding part off.  I think we can all decide for ourselves whether we need to share things.  I really don’t like to be threatened with going to hell or destroying a child because I fail to send things along.  Our company actually had a policy against chain letters which I totally support.  Plus it’s kind of creepy. Oh my God I have twenty seconds to send this to 12 of my best girlfriends…

One of these e-mails I received is kind of cool.  It included many uplifting and truthful nuggets of wisdom.  My friend who sent it to me asked which one I related to and she guessed perfectly.  Here it is:

“No matter how you feel, get up, get dressed and show up.”

That my basic philosophy.  Many a morning I would love to roll over and go back to sleep even though I love my job.  Perhaps it’s the basic wish for freedom to do what we want.  Freedom can be vastly overrated.  There is a song that says, “Freedom means nothing left to lose”.  If you’re totally free, you have no attachments and I wouldn’t like that.  I am attached to everything, my job, my employees, my friends and ultimately my family.

So I get up, get dressed and show up.  People are given the impression that they have enjoy everything they do and that’s nonsense. There are no jobs or relationships that don’t include some crap or at least some boredom.  If everything was exciting, how would be able to tell the difference.  It’s like being happy.  If you were always happy then being happy wouldn’t be special.  I guess that why when people are super rich and can have every material thing they want, it’s no fun anymore because it’s not special.

The truth is most people don’t care how you feel.  You can stop taking yourself so seriously because nobody else does.

Plus if you don’t show up you may miss a terrific opportunity. Open your heart and your mind, be present in your own life.

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This week I ventured to the capital of the United States, Washington DC.  I took a flight from Montreal to Dulles International on a Regional Jet.  Since I was an employee of an airline for 20 years, I have experienced my share of turbulence over the years but never like this.  About halfway through the flight we started to experience serious turbulence.  People were hanging on for dear life and as this was happening I was thinking about all the people who have died in aircraft accidents over the years, not the least of which the 9/11 victims.  Also I was alone with no one to share my fear so my imagination could go to the extreme limits of the situation.  I was also thinking I really hadn’t wanted to make the trip.  Had I ignored my own intuition?

As we were being jockeyed around I was thinking about my family and my friends and that if we did crash that I hoped the end would come quickly and that it would not be painful or at least not for long. But more than that I was thinking I was not ready, although I’ve fulfilled my responsibilities as a Mother, I want more time. I want more time to spend with my husband, boys, grandchildren, dogs and friends.  (the order is not a mistake, I really love my dogs and it depends on the friend).  I would imagine that patients faced with a terminal illness diagnosis feel the same.  They want more time.  Some think why me?  But in reality, why not you?  Some people believe if they eat right, exercise, go to Church; take care of their families bad things shouldn’t happen to them.  I can attest to this that they do anyway.  Shit happens. We all know that bad things happen to good people and that nothing happens to some very bad people.  Then there are those who believe everything happens for a reason and I think this is a way for people to feel that some entity in some form is in control instead of accepting the randomness of the universe.  I think it makes them feel better and if so, good for you!  I actually hope you’re right.

I’ve worked very hard all of my adult life and certainly no one should feel sorry for me because I am blessed.  I would like to be able to take things a little easier, reduce the stress and smell the roses more often.  As you can imagine I was very glad to get home to my little life grateful that I have some more time….

My husband’s family believe that when your name is “at the top of the list”, that’s it, you’re a goner.

Do you believe in fate and destiny?  Or do you leave it all in God’s hands to control?

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Accepting that I may have no friends after I finish this blog, I must in the spirit of fairness provide the other side of the story. Actually it was one of my readers (Curly Q) who convinced me to attempt to see the problems from the other side and expose how we got here.  I must also confess I have received input from some Gen X and Y’s in order to make this as complete as I can.

Let’s start at the beginning and keep in mind that Baby Boomers cover a huge chunk of people, anyone born from 1945 to 1964.  That’s twenty years.  In some cases the Mother and child are both Baby Boomers but I can assure you someone born in 1945 does not think anything like someone born in 1963.

Regardless society has gone through tremendous changes and I will keep to those that have impacted the “child”.  When I was growing up only poor people lived in apartments, we felt sorry for any kids whose Mother worked, and a man whose wife had to work was considered to be a failure.

Fast forward to today.  Both parents work, the Mother probably makes more than the Father, the children are in daycare or if you are wealthy with a Nanny by age one year or in the US - three months.  Being a stay at home Mother is not valued and takes a strong character to do this with the pressure to be a CEO before you’re 40.  After your minimum 10 hour day you are definitely not equipped to discipline your child so you let things go just to get by.  Plus you feel guilty for leaving them all day and you want your time together to be pleasant.

Seventy percent of the marriages will fail which will cause huge grief and upset for the children, never mind the ones who are still living in “broken homes”.   Then there will be the competition between the ex’s to be the most popular parents and here it comes again, the GUILT.   I think Mothers feel the guilt more than the Fathers in general; it seems to be a hard coded trait.

Were we better off being brought up by our Mothers at home?  People had less but there was more time for family.  Women on the hand were second class citizens. Husbands made the decisions because they made the money.   Have we exchanged the equality of women at the expense of the well-being of our children?  I know I will be crucified for saying this, but to a point I will have to say yes.  I stayed home for 12 years and I don’t regret it.   There is no question this hurt my career and affected my personal finances after the divorce but this was the price I had to pay.

My readers have also spoken of money being power and it is in any relationship.  Baby Boomers are very good at manipulating their children of all ages with money.  They give it but it has strings.  Nothing is “free” in this world.  Keep that in mind and if you choose to accept it, you choose to accept the strings so don’t whine about it.  If you want to be independent, stop taking the money.  Simple eh?

Bottom line - should we be surprised that our children don’t want to grow up to be like us.  To have sacrificed so much for the all mighty buck and our suburban life styles.  We spoiled them and we, encouraged them to feel entitled and made a fuss every time they did the smallest positive thing.  No wonder they are ill equipped. They didn’t have to work for what they got.  If you feed a dog filet mignon every day and then try and give him dog food, he won’t eat it.  Eventually however when he gets hungry enough, he’ll eat it.

My children are all Gen X and Y - they are good, socially-conscious hard-working people and many of my children’s friends are also.  Let’s hope these new leaders find a way to balance between what they need and what they want.

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I‘ve been watching the program “Til debt do us part“, the series on TV where couples apply to get a money makeover from Gail Vaz-Oxlade.  It is incredible to me how seemingly intelligent people can be so incredibly stupid about money.   It’s really quite simple.  If you make $4000 net a month and you spend $6000 a month, remarkably you will be in debt for $2000 a month.  If you do this for 12 months, you’ll be $24K in the hole.  Why this is so complicated to people is the topic of this week’s blog.  You eat what you kill.  In caveman days if you didn’t go out to hunt, you didn’t eat and you didn’t survive. It was that simple.  Life is a little more complex now but if you have a job that pays minimum wage, you will never be able to afford a house, car, vacations and plasma TV’s.  Nevertheless this same person often believes they are somehow “entitled” to live with the same lifestyle their parents had.

Unfortunately the credit card companies, banks and the big box stores are more than happy to advance you money you haven’t earned.  People are so shocked that the “buy now pay later” scam where if you don’t pay when you are supposed to the 30% interest is retroactive to the day you got the merchandise.   At 30% interest per year, a $1500 TV paid over 3 years will cost you $1360 in interest alone for a total of $2860.  Does it still sound like a good deal?  People don’t want to wait to save up and buy it.  They want it right now, everything now!

I have a friend who laments against the evils of the workaday life but let me ask a question.  Will your children get braces if they need them?  Will they be supported to go to higher education or will they be saddled with loans well into adulthood?  Will they have a yard to play in?  All these things take money.  The generation X and Y are disgusted by what they saw their parents go through to support their families - and with good reason. With companies laying people off, recession taking a big bite out of retirement savings and companies closing resulting in the loss of pensions they worked all their lives for.  It is normal that they would look at this and say, “No way. Not for me!”.  That’s fine but they don’t have an alternative to get all that cool stuff they want. They just know they don’t want to work like their parents did.  Meanwhile they want to be able to go out to restaurants, take a taxi because public transit is such a drag, have designer clothes and go on holidays they finance on credit cards - not to mention all the electronic goodies like plasma TV’s, cell phones, computers, video games and stereos.

I remember when my generation was in university and so many majored in teaching. When they came out there were no jobs.  Imagine working for 4 years and having to work at McDonalds.  That’s because they didn’t do their research to know that it would be years before there were sufficient retirements to accommodate new teachers.  It’s supply and demand.  You need to find something that interests you and something an organization will be willing to pay you for.

Please don’t think that I want people to work at jobs that they hate because can be soul-destroying, but you have to be practical.  Decide what is important to you. What lifestyle fits your dreams?  Do you want a house, kids and a car?  If these things are not important, it will be much easier for you to reach your financial goals.  My middle son wants none of those things so his requirements are easily fulfilled. But if you do; you’ll need to think ahead about how you’re going to get there and let me tell you it’s going to take sacrifice and a lot of work.

If generation X and Y don’t want to go down the corporate highway that’s fine with me but they will have to reduce their expectations.  Did you know that 58% of baby boomers are still partially or completely supporting their adult children?  What I find is that people of this generation want to be paid to pursue their hobbies.  Guess what folks; hobbies are for after work and the weekends.  For those who can make their hobbies become a sustainable means of income, that’s fabulous; more power to you.  For the rest of you, grow up get a job.  And if you want a better job, go back to school at night and get the skills you need to get a better job. One area we baby boomers failed miserably was to prepare our children for the rigors of adult life, me included.

It would be nice if you would take a moment to thank your parents for what they sacrificed to provide for you if indeed they did.  It will make them feel better because they will probably have to work into their 80’s.

P.S. besides…  we need you to be financially secure so you can care for us in our golden years - diapers are very expensive.

Thanks Jason for the inspiration for this post.

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Someone near and dear to my heart asked me to write this blog.  So here it goes Dotane, this bud’s for you as the beer commercial says.  There are times in our lives we need to re-group or even re-build.  That’s when we need to get back to basics.

This year I’ve had family members; friends and even I after being sick that needed to get back to living healthy lives and focusing on becoming strong both physically and mentally.

Sleep - go to bed at the same time every night.  I don’t expect you to be a monk, but normally get your zzzzz’s.  Reading before sleep is much better than watching the TV.

Eating - make sure everything you put in your mouth counts.  Eat fruit, vegetables, lean meats and healthy fats.

Exercise - if you’re not feeling like running a marathon and probably you aren’t; how about a 20 minute walk a day as a start.  Keep it up and you’ll see you feel better and look better.

Relaxation - I went to a doctor back in the 80’s to help with my habit of picking my face.  This was a nervous habit I had had since when my Mother was an alcoholic.  It is common for people to pick up nervous habits and most people have some form.  There is a relaxation program that works extremely well, every time.   It is called autogenic relaxation.  I will teach it to you.

Week 1 - sit in a comfortable chair or lay down.  Do a cleansing breath and close your eyes. Once your body is quiet and relaxed; visualize an image that you find relaxing.  It may be a sandy beach with waves lapping on the shore, a cool stream of a waterfall, or a soft, fluffy cloud lazily drifting across the sky.  Repeat after me “my right arm is heavy, my right arm is heavy”.  Do this 5-6 times, do another cleansing breath.  Repeat the process 3-4 times.  Concentrate and become aware where your arm touches the chair/bed, where your fingers are touching.  If you mind wanders to your grocery list or your rotten teenager, just come back to your heavy arm.  Do this for one week and I will give you the instructions for week two next week.  It takes less than 5 minutes.  Do have 5 minutes 3 times a day to feel better?  Don’t worry if you have trouble concentrating, it comes with practice. It takes several weeks to master but once you do, you can call upon it for the rest of your life.

Positive Influences - avoid negative people.  You know those people who want to commiserate and tell you even worse stories than yours.  I refer to them as “ambulance chasers”.  They are only really interested when there is a train wreck and drama.  Seek out people who are encouraging and living the way you want to live.  They are out there.

Help someone - I find this incredibly powerful.  If I am feeling bad, once I’m finished with the “pity party”, I go and do something for someone else and it always makes me feel better.

That’s my take on life hygiene.  There is nothing in there you haven’t heard before.  I’ve never had an original idea but I do steal from the best.  If you have other ideas, I would truly love to hear them.

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I find it quite fascinating that the majority of people I have encountered over my lifetime either don’t apologize or do it so badly (which is almost worse).  Apologizing is incredibly powerful if done properly and for the right reasons.  The husband who is “sorry” in a churlish tone to try and move on from a unpleasant conversation with their mate certainly does not qualify as an apology.  Or as someone in my past life was apt to do was to apologize and in the same breath tell me it was my fault he did it.  I never quite understood that one.  I’m sure you will be able to furnish me some really good examples of what I refer to as the “no-apology apology”.

I’ll start by giving you my take on how to apologize properly and when it is appropriate and not appropriate.  I currently have a wonderful person in my life who apologizes for everything; actually she uses it more as an expression.  I’m trying to break her of this habit, wish me luck!  Apologize when you recognize you are wrong and it is causing conflict with another person or you’ve hurt someone’s feelings.  Apologize without qualifications, as soon as you qualify it with a “but…” you wipe out the goodness.  Here are examples of bad and good ways to apologize.

Bad - I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, I‘m so pressured at work. (you’re  blaming work and not taking responsibility)

Good - I’m sorry I hurt your feelings (simple, sincere - if you really did something bad you may have to add “Please forgive me”.

Taking responsibility when we hurt each other (intentionally or unintentionally) goes a long way to harmonize our interactions and build trust.  I used to think that if you didn’t mean to hurt someone’s feelings you don’t need to apologize, I have since learned this is not so.  You don’t need to apologize for the bad intention, you can apologize for how it made the person feel.

We all walk around with our emotional baggage we’ve built up over the years.  If yours is weighing heavily on you and interfering with your life, I hope you will find a way to empty it and put it down.  It’s such a relief.

Then there are those who think an apology wipes out any magnitude of sins.  An apology can only do so much.  Once a young child I know made a serious mistake and he apologized sincerely.  I told him that I was glad he apologized however it did not erase what he did.  I told him that if someone drives their car over someone’s foot and crushes it and apologizes, that the foot is still crushed.

I first became interested in the subject of how people apologize because my Father did not.  Actually in my lifetime he apologized either twice or three times.  This was not a trait I admired.  I vowed that I would be someone who could admit my mistakes especially with my children.  I always apologize to them when I blow it.  You know the day you come home, you had a crappy day at work and then you walk in and your teenagers have left dirty dishes all over the living room.   Then you get so mad at them you would think they had murdered someone in cold blood.  The punishment did not fit the crime.  It was time to apologize.  Actually I feel much better after I apologize.  I find it cleansing.

Men seem to have a harder time apologizing.  Some cultures teach that to admit your mistake is to be perceived as weak and lacking leadership.  I believe that to recognize your faults, take responsibility and to learn from your mistakes is the definition of strength.

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Today I said good bye to my friend Ben Dagenais.  Last Tuesday he literally dropped dead at work.  No efforts to revive him helped and he died Tuesday afternoon when he suffered a fatal heart attack while walking up the stairs after lunch.

This was shocking to all of us who loved him.  He has a lovely wife Chantal and two sons Nicolas and Frederick.  Ben and I met four years ago when I joined the Commercial team.  He and I worked on major accounts for Heavy Maintenance.  We worked tirelessly together to get aircraft delivered on time and to invoice them correctly.  No easy task!

Often we would have to go see customers to “take a beating” and afterward we would laugh our faces off in the parking lot because at the end of the day, we did our best which is pretty damn good and hey it’s not the end of the world.

So this 41 year old man who didn’t smoke, rarely drank and was an athlete drops dead at work.  How can that be, we were all in shock.  One minute you’re alive and then you’re dead.  No fair.  We all know life isn’t fair but seriously (his expression) this is really not fair.

Chantal and Ben were deeply in love and had a wonderful life.  Ben had a multi-generational home built so Chantal’s parents could live beside them.  This is now such a blessing as she will not be alone to take care of them.  I’m sure he did not think this would be the outcome.

Today was Ben’s funeral.  It was standing room only.  Even our President attended which I thought was really nice.  People came from all over the country, even past employees all there to pay homage to a truly superior human being.

I was fine because I was slightly medicated by gravol until the priest said that it was time for us to separate from Ben.  I saw the pallbearers in the back of the church.  That’s when it hit me, this is real, he’s not coming back.  Then I started to cry which I was unable to do all week because it was so surreal that someone so full of life could be felled in a moment.

It was a lovely service in a small intimate church on the water front.  How beautiful it must be in the summer. After the service I approached his wife, Chantal to express my condolences.  What she said to me will stay with me for the rest of my life.  She said, that Ben loved me so much.  This was incredibly comforting because I loved Ben.

So my dear friend, I promise never to forget you because you are unforgettable.  I truly believe we will meet again.  You are so full of love and love never dies.  Thank you for all the support and caring ever since I met you. I miss you so much.

Your Friend Kay

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I‘ve been sick for 12 days now, started coughing up a lung Sunday before last; this after being sick over Christmas holidays.  I am not impressed.  After not missing a single day of work last year, I’m stuck at home with a fever and cough so severe I couldn’t sleep, eight days of increasing fever, headache, earache and body aches.  What I’ve realized is I’m a crappy sick person.  Even though I’ve worked every day from home until yesterday, I still feel terrible missing work.  What is wrong with me?  I mean really.  Am I lacking sufficient self confidence be able to accept that I’m not Superwoman and I deserve to take care of myself when I do fall ill.  The jury is in and the verdict is yes.

I think being at home sick makes me feel like a loser. I’m sorry I’m just being honest about feelings.  I am much nicer to other people when they’re sick than I am to myself.  I definitely think this is something I need to work on.

It’s not that I don’t think my team can take care of business, quite the opposite.  I have no illusions that I am irreplaceable, it’s really not that.  I do have a ridiculous work ethic which for the most part has served me well.

Tuesday night we went back to the clinic for X-rays and the doctor sent us to the hospital for an investigation with a lung specialist.  We spent the day in the hospital and the final answer is pneumonia.  At least we have a diagnosis and a treatment plan but not before I hit a fever of 104.3 and didn’t even have enough breath to speak.  When you can’t breathe life becomes very very simple.  Take a breath, try to do it again.  All of your attention is focused to keep breathing.   I have a whole new appreciation for what my son has suffered all his life with his asthma.

So I am starting my way back, I turned off my computer, and will take care of myself so I can get back to my life as soon as possible.

Everyone has been so wonderful and helpful to me, my family, my friends and co-workers.  I am very fortunate to have so many concerned people around me.  And yes, I have to get over myself.

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The most valuable gift you can give a loved one is to join them on their final journey and walk beside them during this time.  It is devastating to hear that a dear friend or loved one is terminally ill.  It is frightening and painful and it even makes us think about our own morality.  Before my Sister became ill, I had accepted in theory that one day I would die but after her death, I thought about how I would die.  Would I suffer the incredible pain and loss of independence she went through or experience the proverbial dream of dying in one’s sleep.

One day someone you love will be facing this overwhelming challenge. I hope for you it won’t be anytime soon.   At palliative care they say that people die the way they live.  I would tend to agree with this statement.  One book I’ve found very helpful is “I don’t know what to say; how to help & support someone who is dying” by Dr. Robert Buckman.  This book helps to de-code what terminally ill patients are saying and meaning.  As they go through the stages towards acceptance, it helps us to address our own fears on how to speak to them.  We are afraid of saying the wrong thing and making them feel worse.  Or worse we are so much in denial; we don’t let them talk because we’re not ready to hear it.

The diagnosis is so shocking that people will go from talking about their funerals to plans for traveling in the next year even though you’ll both know that that is impossible.  It is too hard to accept that we won’t be there for the next Christmas or the next birthday or anniversary.   At other times, they may want to talk about their fears, their finances, their wills and their funerals.  My Sister made a point of not talking to me about what she wanted at her funeral.  She planned the whole thing including the music and flowers.  She knew that would be too much for me so she did it with her friend.

My point is to follow them rather than lead them.  Let them talk about anything that they want to or need to.  You don’t need to bring them back to earth; that will happen soon enough.  Sometimes they change topics so quickly that is disturbing to follow but imagine how difficult it is to accept your upcoming death.  Even those who have great faith aren’t usually in a hurry to get to the other side.

It is important that the time they have left is as joyful as it can be.  I can tell you with certainty that almost any situation can be made less difficult by having loving, caring people around you.  When people feel supported and loved and accepted it goes a long way to ease the pain and fear.

Walk the walk with them, it is the most precious loving thing you can do for anyone.  Just be there.

WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE.  WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

This post is dedicated to my dear friend, Arlys Gisele Rabines Pareja who lost her beloved Mother Lita Pareja on Jan 10, 2010.  Separated by time and space but together forever in love and spirit.

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