How do you react when you faced with anger from your friend or mate? How do you react when you’re angry? It is incredibly important how you treat your friends (at least the ones you want to keep) and even more important is how you treat your mate.
How do you handle when you someone makes you really mad? Do you pretend its okay and then at some totally inappropriate time attack the person (getting them back). I believe that’s referred to as passive / aggressive behaviour. You pretend it is okay when it’s not. Actually what I call it is dishonest.
Or you accumulate all of the little hurts, pretending all along that it’s all good and then at some tiny infraction not necessarily related to anything, you dump this bag of shit on the person who stands there completely bamboozled by the onslaught.
Does either of these two scenarios ring any bells? I actually had one family member who kept index cards, each one written out and kept in a recipe box with the details of the alleged indiscretion. Can you beat that? I’m thinking not.
I can tell you that if this is how you handle when you get mad or hurt you’re in for a rough ride in the relationship department. Definitely that old expression, “love means never having to say you’re sorry” was written by either someone completely psychotic or forever single.
It’s hard to fight fair but the alternative is destructive. You may not think so and because your mate or friend may choose to forgive you but trust me they don’t forget. These events cut the fabric or your relationship. Being able to disagree and come together without trying to destroy each other creates a bond. It builds trust and that is very important in a relationship.
May I suggest you wait until you’re calm or at least calmer before expressing your emotions. Remember that this person is important to you and your happiness. Having a relationship does not give you carte blanche to dump your emotions indiscriminately. On top of that it shows a lack of mental discipline. We all get mad; it’s how you deal with it which will show your maturity and consideration for others.
Fighting fairly can really improve your relationships. The ability to express your needs without devastating your partner makes it much more likely that he or she will 1) be in a mental place to listen and 2) that they will make an effort to accommodate you or make a change.
What I work to remember (and it is work) when I’m imagining the hurtful things I could say - is that this person is my loved one and we love each other. I consciously remember all the great things that person does for me and how much they mean to me. Once I’ve calmed down I can also see their side of things - which is very difficult when you’re seeing red!
Another technique I use regularly is writing the proverbial “dear shithead” letter. Just write it as mean and ugly as you want but whatever you do don’t send it. I’ve kept a couple and read them back after a few months and they are hilarious but they did the trick. I got to express all those ugly emotions in a safe environment and I didn’t hurt anybody’s feelings. The person never knew I wrote it and it was all good.
I encourage you to reflect on how you react when you’re mad - this includes your friends, your mate, and most definitely your children. I certainly have made my share of mistakes but I can honestly say I have never said anything to my family that I don’t mean. It is important to be authentic with your feelings as long as you’ve taken the time to ensure they are your true feelings.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
This is a tough one, Kay. I think a lot of people replay some of the dynamics they picked up as children, hearing their parents argue, or re-enacting their fights with their parents and siblings.
I think it is perfectly fair to lose control to a certain extent in a fight in the interest of relief, but I have always tried to observe a few basic rules of engagement. I avoid calling names at all cost, it becomes ugly real fast and pretty much means that you are the kind of person who would say anything to hurt back. As my mother often says, some things you cannot take back no matter what.
I absolutely and categorically refuse to act violently in any physical way. No kicking the wall, punching doors, and throwing things. I think that sort of thing is just simply unacceptable no matter what.
Truth is, I personally despise confrontation as I am quite emotional, and I do prefer to walk away and stew for a little while, then come back and try to work out the problem. I am also quite prideful, so if someone goes after my honor or questions my integrity in a situation where I believe that I have shown good faith, I can very well grow cold and maybe even a tad vicious.
In the end, I think it is important to train yourself to identify which fights are worth engaging in, and which ones are just steam-blowing sessions. I believe that both have their place in life and relationships, but there have to be ground rules with those people that you love and respect. Oh, and I absolutely ate kitchen-sinkers!
Your rock, Kay.
Sage advice, Kay.
Regarding the index cards: “Malice drinks one-half of its own poison.” -Marcus Annaeus Seneca.
Sean, that was pretty wild with the index cards. I might add they were neatly typed. I liked your response. You are quite the deep thinker.
It would have been funny had it not had an impact on one of my intimate family members. What’s also truly weird is that I sat there and listened and watched as she withdrew card after card and read them to me. I think it’s fair to say that would not be my reaction today but I was 18 years old at the time.
Jaso n,
I would have to speak to Lisa and your Mother to determine whether your blowing off steam episodes are only good for you. Please ask them and let me know. I use the dear shithead letter method because it doesn’t involve other people and I can avoid hurting them with irrational anger that I know I mostly don’t mean. Let me know what they say. You’re a super person so I’m sure it’s fine. I’m just curious.
I certainly don’t pretend to have all the answers, whatever works for the two people involved is the magic potion. Glad to have you back.