I try to bring to my readers insight into what I’ve learned and experienced over my lifetime. This week I will recount how I screwed up, what I did about it and how I felt about it.
This week was a very up and down week. There were great emotional highs and lows like a roller coaster.
Here’s what happened. I went to play tennis with my best friend. I was feeling out of sorts but I figured it would do me good to exercise, blow off some steam and anyway it was too late to cancel. I wasn’t even aware on a conscious level how irritated I was.
Everything she did bugged me. Having to re-arrange her hair three times during the game, chasing after balls when I was ready to serve and finally what I thought was a questionable line call. She is not a cheater and as I said to her, if she were I wouldn’t play with her much less be her friend. I questioned the call which is poor sportsmanship and totally unacceptable. I felt badly immediately after and it put her off her game. I won in a tie break but winning under those circumstances is not enjoyable.
After wards she told me that she didn’t appreciate my questioning her call and that she would not cheat and that it had put her off her game. She wanted to “clear the air”. I remember thinking while she was talking to me that I was proud of her for speaking up without anger and expressing her feelings without attacking me. This is exactly what I have encouraged her to do for many years. I was furious at myself and disappointed in my behavior.
I came home and told my husband what I’d done. I slept very poorly that night and the next day woke up with a migraine. I apologized to her again in an e-mail and now she felt bad for upsetting me. The good thing about this is I recognized I had blown it and apologized immediately.
What’s not so good is that I have trouble forgiving myself. I am very forgiving of others and don’t hold a grudge. I’m not perfect; anyone who knows me can tell you that. It took me a full two days to recover. I grew up in a family who didn’t apologize and mistakes were not readily forgiven.
I need to do some interior work on forgiving myself and letting things go once they are over. I need to learn to “get over it” or more appropriate “get over myself”. Dwelling on them and self flagellation is not very productive or amusing.
P.S .Marc and I invited my friend over for a great steak dinner last night after tennis and we had a good laugh about it.
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That is so good that in the end, you and your friend can laugh about it. You are very lucky to have such an understanding friend, and she is lucky to have a friend who is also so concerned about her feelings.
At least you apologised. There are many, many people who would have allowed their pride to get the better of them and simply not said anything. The fact that you apologised makes you a better person than some.
I too have difficulty forgiving myself. I’ve always been told it’s easier to forgive others than to forgive yourself. There are a great many stupid things I’ve not been able to get over in my life.
Revelations Zero, okay since we are similar let’s explore further. Why do you think we don’t deserve forgiveness when we are willing to forgive others, we don’t expect perfection from them. (of course I’m assuming you’re not a serial killer). So seriously who taught you that were not deserving?
Vicky, you are so right. I am very lucky to have such great friends. Because I am an orphan, my friends are my family.
I believe it comes down to consideration, of others, of yourself. Loving yourself is difficult because you/we know too much about ourselves. I know this sounds strange, but think about it. There’s also the fact that you can’t really fool yourself, regardless of how in denial you might be about certain realities.
It’s tough to forgive yourself because you were there when you made the wrong move, and deep down you know what you’re doing at that moment; that you’re being petty, frustrated, impatient. It’s hard to make amends within when there is the suspicious feeling that it was up to you, and you chose to be unpleasant. It comes down to shame, maybe. Shame is a terrible thing. It makes people very bitter and creates real hang-ups emotionally.
I speak out of personal experience, of course, not any actualy psychological know-how…
@thekayway: You know what happens when you assume? You make an ass out of you and me. Also no, I’m not a serial killer.
I can’t say why I don’t find myself deserving of forgiveness, or at least why I forgive others faster than myself. I could lay the blame on someone, like my brother who constantly tells me I’m useless, or my acquaintance in Russia who says much the same thing, but I don’t think that really answers the question. I just have this issue whereby I hold myself responsible whenever something bad happens to myself or my friends, even if logically it wasn’t.
I see myself as less important than those I care about, and hence when I mess up and hurt one of them, I am less deserving of forgiveness than if they hurt me, because of that inner feeling of lesser value. It’s just something I’ve learned to accept about myself, even though I don’t know where it came from nor why I feel that way.