The most valuable gift you can give a loved one is to join them on their final journey and walk beside them during this time. It is devastating to hear that a dear friend or loved one is terminally ill. It is frightening and painful and it even makes us think about our own morality. Before my Sister became ill, I had accepted in theory that one day I would die but after her death, I thought about how I would die. Would I suffer the incredible pain and loss of independence she went through or experience the proverbial dream of dying in one’s sleep.
One day someone you love will be facing this overwhelming challenge. I hope for you it won’t be anytime soon. At palliative care they say that people die the way they live. I would tend to agree with this statement. One book I’ve found very helpful is “I don’t know what to say; how to help & support someone who is dying” by Dr. Robert Buckman. This book helps to de-code what terminally ill patients are saying and meaning. As they go through the stages towards acceptance, it helps us to address our own fears on how to speak to them. We are afraid of saying the wrong thing and making them feel worse. Or worse we are so much in denial; we don’t let them talk because we’re not ready to hear it.
The diagnosis is so shocking that people will go from talking about their funerals to plans for traveling in the next year even though you’ll both know that that is impossible. It is too hard to accept that we won’t be there for the next Christmas or the next birthday or anniversary. At other times, they may want to talk about their fears, their finances, their wills and their funerals. My Sister made a point of not talking to me about what she wanted at her funeral. She planned the whole thing including the music and flowers. She knew that would be too much for me so she did it with her friend.
My point is to follow them rather than lead them. Let them talk about anything that they want to or need to. You don’t need to bring them back to earth; that will happen soon enough. Sometimes they change topics so quickly that is disturbing to follow but imagine how difficult it is to accept your upcoming death. Even those who have great faith aren’t usually in a hurry to get to the other side.
It is important that the time they have left is as joyful as it can be. I can tell you with certainty that almost any situation can be made less difficult by having loving, caring people around you. When people feel supported and loved and accepted it goes a long way to ease the pain and fear.
Walk the walk with them, it is the most precious loving thing you can do for anyone. Just be there.
WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE. WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY HUMAN EXPERIENCE.
This post is dedicated to my dear friend, Arlys Gisele Rabines Pareja who lost her beloved Mother Lita Pareja on Jan 10, 2010. Separated by time and space but together forever in love and spirit.
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
This is one journey that all go through in their lives at some points. As I was reading this, I was thinking how I would die. Then again, as much as we may plan our death, sometimes it just comes suddenly and steals away our time. There is no way we can plan for that. So probably the best way to die would have to be one where I have everything planned and that my loved ones do not have to go through the trouble of planning for the funeral.
PS: And I believe it will be comforting to have loved ones around us to support us when we are departing.
Death is inevitable. It would be great if one has things in order before going. My most important concern is the spiritual readiness of the one dying. Will he go to heaven? Well, of course, not everyone believes in that. As for journeying with someone who is about to go, you’re absolutely right, just being there for him is the best thing that we can give. Cherish the moment. Though in actuality, I still don’t know what exactly I would feel (most probably mixed feelings) especially if he is a beloved one.
BK, thanks for weighing in. Sudden death is a whole different phenomenon. Often people don’t have a chance to say goodbye and if there is unfinished business, it can be devastating. When someone goes through the experience of a loved one who slips away, you grieve with every step in their process towards the end. In the case of my Sister, she became paralyzed and then eventually lost the ability to speak. When she died we had already grieved these losses. Sudden death is a testament to always tell your loved ones how much they means to you because we never know what could happen and forgive those who have hurt us as difficult as this can be at times.
Chin Chin, it is important to realize that when someone is diagnosed, they are still alive and the time they have left is an opportunity to connect with loved ones, God or whatever has meaning to them. Also to disconnect the disease from the person. My Sister’s cancer was an entity on it’s own and my Sister was my Sister, I never confused the two. Although she spent one year in palliative care, we had many moments of joy and inspiration.
Hi Kay, once again a well written article and important subject matter. I don’t believe any human being is ever totally prepared to leave their Loved ones. I remember my Father in-law on his Death bed literally days before he passed away planning to take a trip once he left the hospital. Of course that was not going to happen but his desire to continue to Live never faulted. What is important and you write about it is the fact that we must do everything in our power to ensure our Loved ones are kept comfortable but most importantly that they are supported and Loved by those around them till the final hour. Thanks again Kay for a fantastic insight into this subject matter. God Bless..
Thanks for a very well written article. I spent the last months of my grandfather’s, and later my grandmother’s too, months mostly sitting at their bedside just listening. I gathered stories, taking in their recollections - scenes from their childhood, their experiences during the war, even gossip about their old, most of them departed, friends :)… I’m really glad I did that. They appreciated my presence and attention while I got to know them better and learned about my own personal history too.
Brian, you and I have lost too many people already. Sometimes experience is over rated! Thank you for sharing. Your compassion and empathy for others are your gifts you bestoy on them. Don’t forget to read next week’s blog.