I’ll start the week with my own comment since no one commented on last week’s blog - “Counseling - Could You Use Some Help?“. I mean NO ONE. I think asking for help is a growth experience and even though no one commented on it, I hope you read it and stored it away for a rainy day when it could be of benefit to you.
Sometime during the end of my children’s adolescence period, I became acutely aware that I had spent the last 5 years living in fear. I was afraid they would do something that couldn’t be fixed; they would get into a car with someone who had been drinking, that they would get sick and die. I am very good at fast forwarding to the worst-case scenario in a nano second. Actually I realized I had been living in fear from the most unlikely source. I was watching an episode of the Sopranos and Tony turned to Carmella and said “we’ve been scared to death” referring to the behavior of his teenage boy. It clicked, holy cow that was me. You already know I have a challenge when it comes to letting go and this was in the 90’s so I have evolved somewhat. So take heart you parents of teenagers, this too will pass but in the meantime you will be scared when you send your hormone-laden offspring off to do who knows what on Saturday night. No real advice here, just make sure they know they can call you anytime and you won’t get mad at them for reaching out and every chance you get give them some love, your real children will re-surface somewhere between 16 and 18.
Over the last year I’ve realized that a great deal of my life has been controlled by fear. Some of this is normal given how many people I’ve lost; my greatest fear is of someone in my family getting a terminal illness or dying in any form. But in addition to this I can see now that all the way back to being a small child I experienced fear. Fear is a great emotion when used properly. You don’t take that step off the subway platform, you don’t run through the red light or turn your wheel to drive off the bridge; all good! Not doing what you want in life, not ending poor relationships, staying in a bad job, not providing the appropriate amount of discipline to your children is not good. I could go on but you get the point. I have definitely been guilty of some of these sins. Fear of conflict (big one for me), fear of not being loved (even bigger) and fear of being abandoned (jackpot!).
This is a facet of my live I have been working hard on for a number of years. I wouldn’t say that I’ve conquered fear - I control it. Soldiers experience fear in battle, it’s normal and necessary for self-preservation but that they go and do what they have to do in spite of it. The three personalities of fear, the timid one is afraid before the battle, the coward is afraid during the battle and the hero is afraid after the battle. Every day we have our own little battles to wage.
I’ve worked hard on the conflict aspect and this is where I’ve had the most success. I’ve never had a problem “sticking up” for my loved ones and friends, mostly myself. I avoided conflict like the plague. Let’s not forget I am a child of British parents and they are very much expected to be “good” children. I think I only really understood that my Father would have loved me no matter what after he was gone.
So to end this blog on a positive note because after all it is Thanksgiving and I have a great deal to be thankful for and I have to go and start making the turkey, I will list the things I am no longer afraid of.
1. I no longer fear my children won’t love me.
2. I no longer stay in friendships that don’t deserve me.
3. I no longer fear losing my job. (this took work!)
Please share with me your fears and your techniques to control them. Maybe together we could get rid of a few more.
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- Lessons Learned
- Givers & Takers
- Take Time to be Alone
- The Final Journey – Walk the Walk with Them
- Being Taken for Granted
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I read your last couple of posts. I have these ridiculous fears all the time- losing my loved ones through accident or illness, my partner leaving me. The strange thing for me is that I have not experienced any real loss yet (thank god!). I have been quite sheltered really when it comes to losing relatives- I know many many people that have lost those close to them, it just hasn’t happened to me. Yet, if my partner doesn’t call me at the right/ normal time of the day I start panicking that something has happened to him at work. If my Dad calls me on my mobile- I always panic something has happened to my mum. I don’t know why I get like this but I just kind of live with it to be honest! Sometimes I can’t sleep because I might be thinking morbid stuff! I guess though it is not normal for people in the UK to see counsellors or ’shrinks’ unless there is something majorly wrong. Your GP’s tend to laugh you away too if you mention your concerns. Sorry for that massive ’share’!
I often wonder where the line is between insecurity and true fear. I think it’s important to find that line because insecurity is undoubtedly THE most poisonous element in our emotional lives. It can be found at the source of every stupid, boneheaded, petty, irrational, selfish, and egotistical moment of our existence. Fear, on the other hand is, to me, closely linked with instinct, particularly the instinct to survive. Fear is what keeps children from putting their hands in sockets, running out into the street, walking off with strangers.
Another home run Kay!
bemused26 - thanks for writing in. It sounds like you are experiencing anxiety and it is getting the best of you at times. We all experience anxiety and it is normal and necessary. I understand the British thing, my parents with both British. Without going for counselling there are good tips on the web for reducing the grip of anxiety. There are medications if it gets bad but you could also try valerian, it does seem to help. Also belly breathing is really good. Do it 10 times and it will make your breathing slow down. Please let me know how you are doing. All the best, Kay