My inspiration for my weekly blog topic can come from anywhere and I do mean anywhere. This week I was driving back from the store past the office of the Psychotherapist I went to see last year. Since you already know almost all the intimate details of my life, why stop now! I do still have a few secrets and time will tell whether I will divulge them to you… but it is looking good.
The reason I want to share my experiences in therapy is for you to consider the potential this can have to make your life easier and to get your life and relationships back on track - or at least to move on. The first time I reached out for counseling was when my Sister Jean (nicknamed Dee-Dee) was diagnosed with one of the worst cancers in the world. (Lyo-myo sarcoma) No one has ever survived, there were only 31 known cases in the world at the time and normally people died within the year. My Sister was a 37 year old special education teacher who was a top athlete, ate well, didn’t smoke and drank an occasional glass of wine. She and two of her teacher friends were all trying to get pregnant at the same time. The other two got pregnant and she got cancer and died. Now you’re starting to see why I needed a shrink! The reason we went as a family was that my children were very close to my Sister. Although a tragedy was unfolding I wanted to ensure that we would provide the best emotional support to them during this time. I returned to see that therapist during my divorce for a few sessions and it did help me put things in perspective. Once I went with one of my children during what I refer to affectionately as the “teenage crazies” but this was ostensibly for him. I also went last year when I felt there were problems with my relationships with my grown children and my inability to “let go”. This time it was all about me. That was a life-changing experience.
The message I want to share is that the first time I went I did feel a little weird, I looked around the waiting room to try and figure out what could be “wrong” with the other people and why they would need an expert to figure out their lives. I would be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling a little uncomfortable about having to admit I needed help but something my sister said about parents of children with problems is “the good parents ask for help, the bad parents don’t even know they need it”. This has stayed with me. For my kids I have no ego, whatever it takes to help them, I’m there. For myself, it is harder but I’m fine with going now and wouldn’t hesitate to ask for help again.
Here’s the deal - Sometimes bad things happen and you can A) figure it out yourself, take lots of time and energy and maybe come to the wrong conclusion or B) you can ask for some help from someone who has no stake in the outcome and fast track the process. I hate, repeat hate to be unhappy whether it be in a relationship or a job, I will always find a way to get happy again. If that takes some help, well so be it.
It is important to find a therapist that suits your style and you have confidence can help you and this can take some trial and error. For example, the therapist I saw with my teenager would not have been appropriate for me personally. She was too soft, too slow moving but it was fine for that circumstance. I need someone who is very direct. Don’t give up if you’ve gone and you didn’t “click” with the person. Ask your friends for recommendations, that’s how I found everyone I’ve gone to. When I go, I want to figure out what’s happening, how I can fix it or deal with it and move on. You also have to be ready emotionally. Sounds terrible but my experience is that you have to be pretty miserable to reach out.
I’m not suggesting that you run to the therapist when you are able to resolve the issue through hard work, effort, friends and family or with the passage of time. Make sure that you take accountability for your own life and happiness even if “shit happens”. A therapist will only help you structure your thoughts and give you direction, the work is still up to you and the results depend on you. Change is hard and we don’t do it voluntarily, we do it because we are in psychological, physical or financial pain.
Ultimately it’s a choice. If you can figure out everything yourself, more power to you. But if you’re like me and at times in my life have needed a little help and perspective, ask for help. Before my sister died, I considered asking for help as a weakness, now I consider it strength.
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I have a life now thanks to my councillor. Every day I say thanks to her, where she found the tears I shed in her office I will never know. She cleared my demons and I have been free of anti d’s for 8 years.
It took courage to go, but I have no regrets. She found out why I had 2 small breakdowns, she found what I had hidden inside since I was a small child. Wonderful people with incredible skills.
Kay - thank you for sharing this. It has particular meaning in my life right now and has inspired me to take some action to help my friend’s children.
Tammi - I’m so glad that what I wrote had an impact. It is the reason I expose myself and my life to others. Your comment made it worth the effort. Take care my dear friend.
Glynis Smy, I’m very glad for you that you were able to address your issues with a qualified counsellor but make no mistake, it took your courage to face your demons and to do the work to feel better. You took responsibility for your life and your counsellor provided you the guidance. Congratulations!
The sad thing about therapists is that they are very expensive. I’d love to see one, but just can’t afford it. I’m on a list to see a psychiatrist, though. It is free but it takes a while as there aren’t so many.
Gen, you are so right. In my effort to share my experiences, I forgot that many people don’t have access to this help or if they do, they have to wait for it. I’m glad you got yourself on the list to see someone if you feel you need it. A young friend of mine who was in the same situation found in the local paper a group that met to discuss similar issues and they also provided free counselling. Check this out and let me know.
Your willingness to work to free better will serve you well. Best of luck, I will send your positive energy.