When I got divorced I had to be with people especially on Friday and Saturday nights. I was already feeling like a loser so not having something to do on the weekend confirmed this belief. I had joint custody with my ex-husband so I had the boys one week out of two. Since they were all three teenagers at the time; that turned out to be a good thing. For those of you who have teenagers you’ll understand that statement. For those who haven’t experienced that stage in life, just wait a few years, you will.
Fortunately I had a great friend who helped me through this period and we hung out, went shopping with no money (because I had no money) and on Sunday nights I would eat roast beef with her family. She had been widowed very early and had three children of her own.
I remember that it was very important at the time that I have a date for the weekend. I was 37 and going through the “post divorce” validation period where I needed to feel wanted and sexy. So I started dating and even went to one “singles” event which was definitely a low point. I had nothing in common with these people other than that I was also single. For those of you going through a break-up, this is a normal part of the process; it just doesn’t feel normal at the time. It is very hard especially if you been in a relationship for a long time. In my case it was 22 years. I had not dated since I was 15.
What was interesting is what I discovered along the way. First I didn’t find anyone to have a relationship with, second I realized I had much more fun during an evening with my friend and her kids and third, and this is even more important, is that it is good to take time to be alone. These realizations did not come overnight but over a period of several months. Just to be by yourself and like it.
Previous to my divorce I liked being alone. When you have a husband and three kids, these times are few and far between. I remember at one point, the only time I was alone was the 13 minutes it took to drive to work and back each day. I turned up the radio and sang my heart out (I still do that). I had to get back to enjoying my own company. I was a stay at home Mom for 12 years and I thoroughly enjoyed that time. You have to enjoy your own company to stay home and not go snaky because you spend a lot of time alone and doing mundane tasks. I was very busy taking care of my little family, volunteering at the school and being a Scout leader and during the last 3 years, taking care of my Sister Jean who had developed cancer.
There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Apparently 70% of married people admit to being lonely. So for those of you out there thinking that it’s magic in every relationship, that’s just not the case. It is truly better to be on your own, rather than in a bad relationship. I think that taking the time to really know yourself, understand what you want in a relationship if you do want one, is very important. Fortunately, being single is no longer the stigma it once was and many people are enjoying and embracing the concept. Being single doesn’t mean that you don’t have friends or relationships; you just don’t make the lifelong commitment to stick to one.
So today please slow down a little even if is just for a few minutes, take stock of all the things you like to do alone because appreciating your own talents and qualities is good for your soul. When I write this blog, I am alone with my thoughts and my feelings and it is good for my soul to share it with you.
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
You have hit another vital nerve, Kay. Loneliness is a terrible thing and it can do frightening things to people. Just think of prisons where they punish misconduct with solitary confinement, which is somehow worse than being among the general population. Think about panhandlers that yell nonsense or sing to themselves on the street just to get attention; it’s not always drugs, alcohol, or madness. Loneliness drives people to do some crazy things.
Choosing to be alone is another matter; I see this as an exercise in individuality, self-esteem. Whether it is to study, read, meditate, or just to spend some time caring for your body. It is in fact crucial if you are in a lasting couple. It gives you that time-out to reflect and re-organize internally. This is why men have workshops!
Divorce is incredibly difficult, even if you are the one who chose to leave the marriage. It does not matter how old you are or how long the marriage was.
When I divorced my first husband, it took me some time to recover from the anger and feelings of failure. I spent a great deal of time “playing” in the world before deciding to settle down into another long term relationship. Even then, it was several years before we married.
While being single is not a big deal anymore, there is still an underlying expectation in our society that women should want to be involved with somebody. We are driven by those expectations to find the perfect relationship. Very few women overcome that societal expectation and learn that being on your own really is better than being in a bad relationship.
Thank goodness Jason that I have you to stimulate my thought processes. I don’t know why this topic came to me this week.
I’m glad you found it relevant. Take care, say hi to Lisa.
“Being alone and being lonely is not the same”… You are so right!
Just reading this post made me think about so many things…
Some people are willing to stay in an unhappy relationship just because they are too scared, or simply don’t want to be alone. Others give away their dreams just because it involves moving far from everything and everyone that they know.
For me, being alone is about being comfortable in your own skin, it’s about enjoying your own company, your thoughts, and your own “face”
When I moved to Canada almost 3 years ago, I was alone most of the time… for weeks even. It wasn’t always easy, but it is a period of time that I will always remember. I learned A LOT about myself and how to enjoy my own company even more than ever before.
Adriana, I have never done anything as courageous as moving myself to a foreign country, leaving my family which as you know is everything to me. I cannot even imagine it nor do I wish to.
It is a tribute to your inner strength and persistence to have even attempted it. Your adopted country is starting to treat you right! Congratulations!
Yeah, I thought being alone is equivalent to being lonely. It’s not really necessary. Like you, I also can do things I am not able to do when I am surrounded with people. Blogging and commenting are some examples. I also read a lot and I like this article.
I have never been so lonely as I was when I was married. Even though I don’t date as much as I would like to I am not lonely, in fact I love my time when I am alone. I often wonder if I have issues of trust since I am not too excited to get into another relationship. I don’t want to give my free time up to another person right now, but I’m not sure if that isn’t a crutch.
Mom, thanks for your input. Very well expressed. Marc and I waited 10 years before marrying mostly because my children were teenagers and Marc had never had kids. I did not want to be put into the position of being put in the middle between him and them. That’s how it was in my marriage and had no desire to relive that situation. You are right, we still have a long way to go but being the eternal optimistic, I believe that we will get there. thanks for sharing.
Jen, I see that my ad is on your blog today. Thank you for stopping by.
I read your blog Sunday, Sunday la la la la. I like your site. I’m glad you didn’t kill your cat. But alas I digress.
I don’t know you but either you don’t know how to pick a good guy or you’re hauling around a u-haul of baggage that makes it hard for you to trust. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your focus is being a Mother and hopefully you can find someone you can trust. In order to do that, you have to take risks and be vulnerable and great guys definitely don’t grow on trees. Great girls either, I am a mother of three sons so I can attest to this.
Tats, thanks for reading my blog and I appreciate the positive feedback.
There are lots of cool things to read on the web. Try to make sure you find time for friends and family. Recently I cut back on my tv watching to make time for reading and tennis. I’m glad I did. Cheers