Every week I think about what I want to write on Sunday mornings which is when I write my post for the week. This morning as I straightened the picture of my Sister on the wall, I decided it was the right time to write about being an orphan.
When I tell people I’m an orphan I get all sorts of reactions. Some people think of orphans as children only, my husband’s Aunt gets mad at me if I mention I’m an orphan because this hurts her to think that I am and others just look confused.
Let me share with you what being an orphan is all about for me and I encourage you to share your experience. When I lost my Mum at 15, I became an orphan. I did not know that losing one parents qualifies you as an orphan but I looked it up in the dictionary and alas yes. I think I lost a bet on this one and if you knew me, I hardly ever lose a bet in fact no one bets with me anymore. Then I lost my one sibling, my Sister when I was 37 and my Dad eight years ago. Most people cannot fathom losing their entire family but I know there are people reading this who have.
Being an orphan is weird. It’s the disconnection to the past that is difficult. I remember when I was pregnant with my youngest and the other two had chicken pox, my Doctor wanted to know if I’d had them and I had no idea. My Mum was gone so I couldn’t provide that information. When I got promoted at work and my first thought was to tell my Dad, I couldn’t and I remember driving along the road with tears pouring down my face. There is no one to reminisce with about Christmas’s past and silly things that happened. I really miss that.
There are a number of strange things about being alone here on earth without any of my original family. I adapted and I am just fine, in fact I’m thriving. I have built my own family and my family of friends which I am super blessed to have so please don’t think I’m complaining because I’m not at all. I do miss them terribly and one of the comforts of when I do die, is I know I will be with them. I’m not religious per se but I do believe in God and the afterlife and have proof that we still exist in spirit form. This is the subject for another post….
Thank goodness we humans are adaptable because most of the time I don’t think about being an orphan but every once in a while the longing hits you like a ton of bricks and I feel overwhelmed with grief, I have a good cry and then I’m fine again. I do this in private because I cry very badly, not like on TV. I get a red face, my makeup runs and it’s really not attractive.
There is even the occasional advantage to being an orphan. At my age I have several friends taking care of aging parents and this can be very very difficult. One such friend’s life is totally consumed with dealing with his Father and Mother at the same time. He has had to cancel dinner three times with me and we joke and that I’ll see him after they die. So you see, I don’t have to worry about this.
I do have my memories and I share them with my husband, my kids and my closest friends whom I trust with my soft squishy center. I recently had a dinner party for some of my girl friends and I toasted them with “friends are family you get to choose”. My family and friends fill the hole……almost.
P.S. please tell the people you love that you love them all the time, try hard to forgive and don’t waste time arguing over things you’ll regret when they’re gone.
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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
This is a really touching post.
It made me think about my family, and the fact that I don’t have them close to me and how I take for granted that they will be there for me.
Thank you for this post. It helped me value my family even more.
p.s. I’m going to call my grandma right away.
Thank you Adriana. I’m so glad you got it! You’re very deep for your age, probably an old soul. You are a delight!
I feel a little guilty, I have my parents but they were…well let’s say not very good at their job. I phone the UK each week and organise their care from afar. After counselling this is all I can do. It is hard for abused children to read the pain of others, who are orphaned, I feel for you.
I really enjoyed this post. It really gets a person thinking. There are many things that I take for granted when it comes to my family. I still have my mom, but I often let little things get in the way of our relationship. Petty things that really don’t matter when you look at the big picture. And I am very fortunate, having 5 siblings. And although I am not close to all of them, I’m sure that with some tweaking I could be. But I have to say, I really do miss my dad. I never realized how much I seeked his approval. There have been several occaisions since he died, that for a fleeting moment I thought of calling him up and sharing some news. Things that would have made him proud. And then,of course, I feel angry and sad because I can’t. And then I have a good cry (in private also, because I too, turn into a hideous beast when I cry)
I think you have a wonderful attitude on life, Kay, and it it is very inspiring to be around you. You can find something positive in the crappiest of situations. And if there is no positive to be found, then you find a way to grow.
Glynis Smy, the fact that you are willing to arrange for their care means you are probably a better person than they are or were to you.
That’s a tribute to your character. We don’t get to choose our parents or our children for that matter, just whether to have them or not.
I was blessed to have been loved deeply by both my parents and my childhood until 10 years of age was idyllic. I shall just be grateful for that.
Amy, I love that last line. It pretty much sums up my philosophy. Growth is very important to me as a person but it is often at the price of enduring some sadness or adversity. You will always miss your Dad but you were there for him when he needed you and that is very important.
Hi I hope you don’t mind me writing. I have been searching the internet as I have an essay of my own choice to write, and have come across your post. I have a best friend who has lost both of her parents and feel like I want to know more about what she has been through, so have chosen childhood disadvantages with being an orphan as one of the headings. I was very touched by your post, and am wondering if it is possible to use some of the information you have put as quotes?? I completely understand if you would prefer me not to, and would respect your desition entirely. If you do grant me permission, I would be more than happy to send you a copy of the section I have wrote.
I am happy to see you can see a light at the end of an “orphan” tunnel, as it gives me hope for my friend who is still dealing with issues.
Sharon x
Sharon, you are most welcome to use anything you find here that could be useful to you. My blog is simply to put my ideas and stories in a format that people can read should they choose to. Please do send me your essay, I would be glad to read it. Good luck.
Hi Kay,
I lost my parents at different times when I was a child. I lost my Mum when I was 15 and my Dad when I was 4. I agree entirely with what you wrote about being an orphan. My friends and family never referred to me as an orphan, simply because I never went to an orphanage. Now I look back and think “Gosh not only was I an orphan but I am still an orphan, an adult orphan.” I would like to write more, but don’t wish to share in a public forum. Thank you kindly for your blog.
Sue, I’m glad you found the blog to be helpful. You can only know the feeling if you have experienced it like ourselves. Actually some people laugh when I tell them I’m an orphan. If you like, you can send me an e-mail at thekayway@gmail.com.
Interesting stories but im still (at nearly 40!) angry, happy, sad and sometimes wonder If my mum is still around but just hiding ?! to protect me in some way?! ..that’s probably v weird and I know this is not the case. It’s horrible not having that unconditional love too.
Nb Lost my dad at 18m and my mum at 12yrs.
Chocolate, I’m sorry to hear you had such heartache. You are still suffering and this is something you can change. If you have unresolved grief, this will stay with you your whole life. Please find someone you can share this with to allow you to move on. You will always miss them to be sure but you can heal and remember the good times.
I was born an orphan and became adopted by very unloving people. I have become a loner and dont mind at all, I feel free. My adoptive parents disowened me after I had major surgery at the age of 26, and my birth mother also disowned me a few months after that. I always thought I was doing the right thing by being very hard working and standing on my own two feet, but they hated me for that. I moved countries and now I just sit alone in my bedroom all the time. I dont know who I am or what my purpose is. I do try be happy, but its the reminder that I have nothing that just makes me sad most of the time. I am 33 now and have terrible dreams of them screaming at me, and night terrors. My friend who accepted me unconditionally died a year and a half ago she was 85 and I still cry because I have never met someone so kind. I dont know who I am supposed to be, or how to live this life. I used to believe that I was Annie and that Daddy Warbucks would put an end to this all
xx
Samantha, I’m so sorry to hear what a difficult life you’ve had so far. I hope that you will find peace of mind and are able to find pleasure in life. Try starting with small pleasures like a walk in the park on a nice day or buy yourself some ice cream. Perhaps you could join a support group. Just some suggestions. Take care, all the best.
I LOST BOTH MY PARENTS BY THE AGE OF TEN AND THE DAY MY MOTHER DIED I WAS INFORMED THAT I WAS ADOPTED IN THE MOST BRUTAL WAY, FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS I WAS BROUGHT UP AND PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED BY MY MOTHERS NEPHEW AND NIECE UNTIL I FINALLY RAN AWAY AND WAS SENT AWAY, THE BEATINGS AND THE REMINDERS THAT I WAS A ‘BASTARD ORPHAN’ HAVE STAYED WITH ME ALL MY LIFE AND I HAVE NO COMMUNICATION WITH MY ADOPTIVE FAMILY,AT THE AGE OF 33 I FOUND MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER IN THE HOPE OF FINDING THE LOVE I YEARNED, ALTHOOUGH SHE DID WELCOME ME INTO HER FAMILY SHE ALSO TOLD ME I WAS AN INCONVENIENCE APPEARING AND THAT I COMPRIMISED HER LIFESTYLE!!!SHE DIED 4 YEARS AGO AND WE NEVER HAD THE HAPPY END I HAD DREAMED OF, THE SAME GOES FOR MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER….I HAVE ABUSED DRUGS AND ALCOHOL ALL MY LIFE AND LIVED IN SQUATS AND UNDER RAILWAYS AND IN CARDBOARD BOXES….I AM NOW TRYING TO FIND MYSELF BUT IT IS DIFFICULT AS I AM ALONE AND I AM ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS AND OTHER SEDATIVE MEDICATION.I HATE MY SITUATION AND JUST WISH I HAD NOT LOST MY PARENTS, IT HURTS AND THE HURT NEVER GOES AWAY AND I FEEL TOTALLY EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED,WHEN WILL IT END….
Anna,I am touched by your story. What a difficult life you have lead. It reminds me I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I’m sorry you did not have the love and support you deserved. Would you please read this week’s blog the 80/20 rule for life. I think it might help you. Good luck Anna, I will send you positive energy.
Thank you for posting this. I am 30 and lost my mom when I was 14 and my father at the age of 28. I am not close at all with my older sister, although I have tried to be. My younger sister and I were very close and still are in certain ways, but we live far away. So, I do feel very alone, quite often. No one I know around my age has been through this, so this makes me feel more isolated. It helped to read of someone else’s similar experience, as a reminder that I am not the only person in the world like this.
i have read ur article its real a good work..im orphan too but sory to say i was abondened by my mother whn i was three month years old..whn iws 7yrs old i heard from my father telling me my mother is dead for h.i.v i cried for the mother i ddnt know ..when iwas 12 my dad passed away for maralia he was my only hope now he was gone…i condemmed god for such brutality but it was of no result sometimes i wished for him to raise from the dead or come back as ghost but iwas a kid thnkn like a kid……..
but life without parents cost me a lot till today i hvnt get over it sometimes i wish i had someone to call mummy even if i pay her to do soo…i finished law degree but i dont see someone who is proud of me…i hv never get a parrental hug or kiss..there a time life become so challenging and i have tried to kill myself….i real lonely till today i dnt knw how to face life without someone like mama to sapport..my life is very difficult
Mary,
Your story is very very sad and I’m sorry to hear about the heartbreak and loneliness you have faced. We can’t choose our parents but there are so many other opportunities to surround yourself with loved ones, I hope you will make the effort to find your own life and come to terms with your past losses. All the best to you Mary I will send you positive energy.
Hi Kay
I’ve enjoyed reading your post and feel less ashamed about being an adult orphan as well. Your story gave me a little hope. I’ve been feeling so down all week and so alone til I came upon your site and found there were others that shared my experience. I lost my mother when i was 24 and my father walked out on the marriage with another woman when I was 20. I’ve lost contact with him for many years as he doesn’t want to be im touch with me and my brother. My brother seems to have followed in his footsteps and never writes back to me. I was abused by both parents due to their unhappy marriage. Only when my dad divorced my mom was when my mom reached out to me to support her thru her loneliness. Then she passed away. My brother was the favorite of the family as he was the son and in Asian families was highly favored. I never felt loved unconditionally by anyone and ended up in bad relationships in order to have someone to care for and care about me. Now I am so alone with so little trust in people at times. I always fear abandonment so cannot get close to people or open up to them for fear they will judge me. Yet it is the only thing i yearn for in this world to have someone love me and have my own family one day. But I feel I am not as smart and confident as you in knowing who I can trust without losing myself and depending on someone too much. You are so lucky.
Lin, thank you for sharing your story. It is a sad and disappointing one.
Every child deserves to be loved and supported by their parents. You are so right, I am lucky. I did have a good Mother who got sick with alcoholism and it robbed her and us of her life. I don’t know if you have resources to speak to a professional and if not perhaps a minister.
If you are not religious there are non-denominational churches where you could find new frienhds and get support. I hope you will find a way to reach out because there are terrif’ic people out there and it would be so sad for you to waste your life over things you had no control over. Don’t let them win Lin! It’s your life, please take the risk to live it fully.