Helping or Interfering?

I had the opportunity several years ago to attend “Transactional Analysis” for a one week period of time. Before we went, we were interviewed briefly by a social worker/psychologist who categorized us based on our responses. It took about two seconds for her to label me a “rescuer”. At the time I was a little taken aback and slightly offended to be labeled so quickly. I think my total interview lasted two minutes.

She had done so because I had asked about what would happen if during the week someone were to have a serious breakthrough or breakdown. There is a risk when you let the skeletons out of the closet. Maybe you won’t be able to fit them all back in and maybe they won’t want to go back in. This caused her to label me as a rescuer. I must admit the label fit me perfectly.

By the way, during the week of transactional analysis, someone did have a major breakthrough and ended up leaving his wife and children for a time. It is very hard for me to watch because I am an empathetic person; I take on their pain. It was exactly what I had feared coming to pass.

At the time I was going through a very difficult phase with one of my children, the “teenage crazies” I refer to them lovingly. It was normal a teenage rebellion however, I had to learn that I was not responsible for everything he did because I gave birth to him. I’ve never learned to let go and allow people to be responsible for their own actions. I’m there to catch them whether or not they need (or want) me to.

Alas, we get down to the title of the blog, thank you for your patience. How do we know the difference between helping and interfering. Here are a couple of sure fire clues…

Someone asks you to help; that’s helping.
You offer your help and they accept; that’s also helping.
You offer your help and they refuse, but you help anyways; that’s not helping.

If you offer and they say no, don’t insist because you know better (even if you do which of course is true in my case - maybe yours too because Mothers are so clever and wise) because that is definitely interfering. Especially in the case of children, you are robbing them of the chance to fail when failure doesn’t cost them too much. The learning experience resulting from failure can, in certain cases, be more valuable than avoiding failure. If they don’t learn to fail graciously and pick themselves up and try again, when it happens later in life, it is much harder to deal with and recover from it. Naturally I am not referring to my own offspring who are of course perfect.

Got to go now, I think I someone needs my help…….

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