For many years I have noticed that people take me for granted but I never understood why. My children, in-laws, bosses, friends and basically anyone else I come into contact with for a period of time. Before you feel too sorry for me (assuming you do), it’s my own fault. Seriously!
It was only this year that I discovered why. I went for some therapy to investigate some issues I was having and we made a discovery. He explained to me that because I had been “abandoned” by my Mother upon her death when I was 15, I wanted those around me to never feel abandoned or let down. I was also afraid to be abandoned again myself.
Let me explain. Ever since I was a young adult I have been ridiculously reliable. If you need something done, ask Kay. She’ll do it and it will get done right and on time. When you get a reputation for that, the tasks just keep coming. You would think that would bring riches at work and in relationships but alas, no. Actually it does not work that way, sometimes quite the opposite.
In relationships it brings an unrealistic expectation from friends and family and resentment on my part. At work it brings more work and less credit for work accomplished because it is expected. It is a common trait in women but I have a couple of guy friends it applies to.
I have to say that my new husband is the exception. He sees me for the total person I am. There is no doubt he avails himself of my organizational skills just as I avail myself of his many abilities however he is always there to pick me up when I exhaust myself from being there for everyone else.
Here is how I am approaching things now. I decide whether I want to do something, or whether I should be doing it. This is part of my quest for my authentic self. I don’t fool myself, I still do it but I’m improving. I was doing things for the wrong reasons (remember Givers & Takers). Once I’ve been real with myself, I decide to do it understanding the underlying motives (mine and others). My therapist warned me that I would have a very difficult year with those around me because I wanted this change, it would not suit the needs of others - especially my children.
I’m proud to say that after a very short time, they have stepped up beautifully. They are all at a point that my happiness is important to them and what I do is more appreciated. I am so grateful for their support and I obviously under estimated them. Often those who do too much don’t trust others to pick the ball and run with it.
I’m doing a similar thing with my friends. Do you have friends where you make all the effort? I think I kept up the relationships because I was afraid of another loss. I don’t do that anymore. I’m not afraid anymore. Those who don’t make an effort for me are falling by the way side. No anger, just a realization and acceptance. What I’ve discovered is there are lots of wonderful people out there who can use a friend like me.
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Great job Kay and so proud of you! Do you remember some one in stores that was do it all and after retiring still doing it like few others have. When does it end or does it.
frankie P
Thanks for stopping by Frank. It’s true you always did a lot and continue to do so even in retirement and perhaps we do take you for granted but you are also appreciated greatly for what you do.
Be true to yourself and only do what you want for the right reasons.
You deserve it.
You are so right! I’ve been feeling this way for some time now. If only I can make the turn around! Thanks. I’m a new follower and I’ve already sent ur Twitter on to two close friends.
Thank you so much for your testimony Kay. I’m going through a similar issue. I’m a guy, so yes it does happen to men.
As yourself, I was also fiercely independent in my youth because of my parents’ neglect and verbal abuse. For years I went out of my way for everyone else without reciprocation in order to be accepted.. to escape the loneliness.
The lack of balance in my friendships eventually lead to depression during my mid-20s. I decided to leave my hometown and moved to another country to start anew. I made the decision to develop relationships with people where it was a balanced 50/50, give and take, and as a result I developed healthier relationships, and eventually came out of my depression. I felt alive.
Six months ago I moved back to my hometown after being abroad for a few years. I hoped that I would reconnect with old friends and that things would be different. Unfortunately they’ve remained the same; and expect me to arrange everything, and go out of my way for them again.
As I didn’t want to fall back into old habits, I decided to met them half-way on everything. To my absolute disappointment, I find myself being alone for the most part. It’s as though the years I spent with them has amounted to nothing.
For awhile there the pain was so intense I began to slide back into depression. I broke down to a married couple whom I’d known for 10-years, and they’ve taken me under their wing .. like a second set of parents. I’m now in the process of letting go of my old “friends”, and seeing my hometown as a new place for new beginnings.
Thanks again Kat. Your story has given me hope.
Nic, I know it happens to men believe me. I do believe that you train people how to treat you unfortunately it appears these people want you to stay the way you were. I totally agree you need to move on from them and find people who value sharing in a relationship. There are a lot of takers out there but also a lot of givers and remember that when you give, do it for the right reasons. My relationships even with my family are more balanced and I am a happier person for it. Keep in touch and good luck to you.