Listen up girls and boys. I could not love my husband more than I do; he is a wonderful man and we are very happy together. What I have learned in this second marriage is that love and money don’t have to mix. In my first marriage when I was 20 I gave up my financial independence and was a stay at home mom for 12 years taking care of my three boys. When I returned to the workforce at 32, I was very behind salary-wise and competing with twenty somethings.
I don’t regret the decision because I did what I wanted at the time however, there are consequences to all our decisions. I had not anticipated getting divorced and becoming a single mother.
My recommendation to all my young friends is to count on your own self when it comes to financial security. None of us want to be eating dog food in our retirement 
Money is more than currency; it is power in a relationship. If you are dependent, it tips the scales in the favor of the person who is bringing in the money. This in turn can cause conflicts and resentment. How many times have you heard of people (normally women) staying in an unsatisfactory living arrangement because they think they can’t make it on their own financially?
For example, I have a friend who’s husband doesn’t let her turn up the heat in the winter because he brings home the money, and as a result makes the rules.
On the other side, some women rack up consumer debt with no paycheck to back it up and their husbands are stuck with it. This is equally unacceptable.
My husband and I have separate accounts except for the house responsibilities. It works great because I am a saver and he is a spender. Once the household responsibilities are taken care of, he can spend without having to consult me and vice versa.
Plus - do you know any couples who have never had an argument over money? Well you do now.
They say money is the root of all evil. Certainly not having enough money can make you miserable. Having more and more will not bring you more and more happiness. Look at celebrities, most of their lives are train wrecks. Like everything balance is the key. Having enough to meet your basic needs and a little more for a treat along the way is great.
Remember it is not only divorce that can happen, people get sick or have accidents. Protect yourself in case you find yourself in a difficult situation. I give this advice not only to my sisters but also to my sons.
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
This sounds like a good arrangement. Ours works for us too though because my husband agreed to let me handle all the banking. If he wants something, he just tells me and I’ll usually say okay. If I think it’s unnecessary or a waste of money, all I have to do is make a face and he’ll say he doesn’t really need it. I do give him a weekly allowance he can spend on anything he wants.
Before we were married he had deep credit card debt so this was a condition he agreed to.
Thanks for writing. You’re right I don’t profess to have all the answers and this arrangement works for you. Your husband probably appreciates the structure. Many people have difficulty with debt.
Also my plan works great until someone loses their job or gets sick. My point was only to do your best to preserve some financial independence and understand you need to count on yourself.
That’s quite a thinker you got there, but I don’t quite agree.
The basic problem is that all things stem from what your priorities in life are. And the most fundamental aspect of this basic problem is that most people mess this part up and don’t know where their priorities are; hence the struggle over money overrules the importance of relationships.
This may be quite rare in the United States, but back where I come from, a lot of people are quite happy with a single income - regardless of who gets it - and focus their energies on the other important things in their lives…like raising the kids or being a better parent.
Having separate accounts for what your husband and what you earn is the social equivalent of a its-none-of-your-business-what-I-do-with-my-money statement - not exactly my idea of a family.
Money is a tool; not a way of life.
You may not agree with me; sorry for that.
Just my thoughts.
TC.
A.R.N. - Thank you for writing. This blog is an exchange of ideas. I’ve said before I don’t have all the answers, not even close.
You’re idea of a family is everything shared and I once had that idea too. I’ve lived another experience. Having said that, if my husband or myself became unable to provide, I’m confident we would survive together. I’m glad for you that money is just a tool. I hope it remains that way.
Hello Kay - great topic and a “curly” one too. I agree with you about maintaining financial independence. I too learned the hard way. I am still learning. But I think all sorts of arrangements can work if the personalities are right and the communication channels are left open. As in all aspects of life honesty and integrity play a large part in how successfully money is managed within a relationship. There is no room for coercion or power mongering in a relationship built on trust and which has it’s power base in love and mutual respect. I like reading your blog. Keep up the great work!
Thank you for writing, there is a lot of synergy between your opinion and mine. Certainly if you are cheap or miserly our system will not work at all but again if you are like that, probably no system will work well. Both my husband are very generous people and we’ll we probably finish our lives with about 5 cents to spare but as long as we are independent and don’t burden the children, it’s okay. I’m just glad that we have a method of managing our money that works well for both of us. My husband gets dirty looks from the waitresses when we split the bill. It’s very funny when I pick it up entirely especially because my husband is 8 years younger than me but that’s a whole different blog and it’s coming…