Recently while pursuing some much needed psychotherapy on how to manage my relationships with my grown children, my therapist started by identifying that in life there are givers and takers and if you haven’t already guessed, I’m a serious - perhaps terminal giver.
I always thought giving was a good thing but I soon learned that this is not necessarily the case and that I was often giving for the wrong reasons. That’s quite a shock for someone like me. I found out that I gave because I wanted to avoid conflict, because I felt I had to be liked/loved. I am working on giving when I really want to. Very young children do what they need to survive. That’s when they learn to be givers or takers. Givers and not necessarily good and takers are not necessarily bad.
Givers need to be with takers. Two takers don’t work just as two givers don’t either. Strange but true. I am married to a wonderful taker who does give but is still in the “taker” range. He even admits it.
They are just different. What are you?
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Is there such a thing as a “serial Giver with Taker-denial issues?”
On a “giver” scale of 1 to 10… I’m a 12. You’d think it would be easy to start taking a bit more, but it isn’t (not after a lifetime habit). I think being aware of the differences between “givers” and “takers” is a good start, now I’m seeing people in my daily life in those terms. The next step is to push past the irrational guilt I feel when I don’t give with every ounce of my being. I’ll get there eventually …
I guess I’d be a giver too, if I had to classify myself….but maybe that’s not always such a terrible thing.
I’ve never really had much contact with my parents and consequently have been all but adopted into the families of many of my good friends.
If it wasn’t for the love and care of wonderful people like you who took me under your wing at one point in my life, I might not be the person I am today.
Now I am on my way to finishing my teaching degree so I can give back to others too in the same way.
I am happy and very grateful for all the wonderful friends and people that I have met. I truly believe the relationships in your life at the most important aspect of being alive.
I will always think of you and love you tremendously for all that you have given me. Respect and care and a bit of your time.
You make a difference in this world, and I fail to see that as a bad thing!
My Dearest Jason,
Thank you for the feedback and at the risk of taking this to the next level, I have to say no. You are either a giver or a taker. You cannot be a “closet” taker. Sheep in wolf’s clothing so to speak. You can however, be levels or degrees of giver or taker. The best is to be close to the middle to be balanced. Take some, give some.
TheKayWay
Dear Becky,
Thank you for writing to me. Your post gave me goose bumps.
Congratulations for breaking through the obstacles you encountered which would be overwhelming to most people.
It was my pleasure to help you and to see you succeed is my reward.
My Sister was a special education teacher and teachers have always held a special place in my heart.
For you to bring this positive energy to the world is a blessing.
Thank you again, love Kay