I took the plunge to take on the new challenge of opening my own life coaching business in the spring. I’m taking early retirement in May from my position after 23+ years in the aviation industry.
For those of you unfamiliar with coaching here is thekayway definition: A coach engages collaboratively with a client through a process of discovery and action to achieve a deeply desired goal.
This last year has been a roller coaster of emotions and soul searching. I had to ask myself some tough questions like; could I live with less, give up my identity I’ve had for over 23 years, stop being the subject matter expert and ”go to” person and become a novice. The answer is yes. I’m going to develop a new identity or as my mentor coach would say, you’re not retiring, you’re re-tiring, putting on new tires.
There are many people to thank for helping through this process. My husband Marc who is really the wind beneath my wings and supports whatever new adventure I propose, my son Richard for being my sounding board and frequently providing coaching to me, Marc and Daniel for wanting the best for me even when I couldn’t recognize what that was and Helen for challenging me to take the coaching program while I was still working.
These big life decisions can be overwhelming. I remember just last month picturing myself jumping off a cliff. It was only when I broke it down and realized that the cliff was really a rock and I had a backpack and a bungee cord. As we live through our perceptions and beliefs it took a long time to recognize I had blown this out of proportion. Once I realized it was a rock, the jumping off part got a lot easier.
Under stress we forget we have options and resources. For example if my business is not successful (a ridiculous example but let’s use it anyway) I could do contract work, I could get a part time job or I could live with less. This is not an all or nothing proposition.
The reason I’m sharing this with you today is because I wanted to share my news but more importantly perhaps there is something in my experience you can use for yourself. We are born whole and from that moment on we pick up beliefs others put on us and we accept as the truth. These self limiting beliefs stop us from achieving our true potential. Challenge your beliefs and validate that they are working for you or against you. There are many ways to change a self-limiting belief through visualization, replacing negative self-talk with positive affirmations. It is not an easy or quick process but it can be the first step to achieving your goals and living your authentic life.
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I guess this phrase could be interpreted in several ways including some references that actually have something to do with dancing. My context is based on my coach training to describe when a coach is able to be spontaneous and creative during a session and bring something special to enhance the coaching experience for the client.
It sounds really nice and I would love to be able to embrace it but frankly I didn’t “get” it until this week. I’m known for bringing a structured and well planned approach to my work and somewhat in my personal life. I’m known as “the rock” and if one more person tells me how strong I am I may have to resort to violence or at least entertain thoughts of violence.
The concept of being more free and spontaneous is desirable but I just don’t know how to do that. How do you do that without being a flake? I don’t want to be that either, even though it is tempting at times. I had a glimpse of what it could be like this week when I had a coaching session with a client and I forgot all my notes of our previous sessions at home. Despite my discomfort; I prepared a quick agenda and decided to meet with my client.
The client had made significant progress in moving towards her goals. From there I was able to embark with her and ask powerful questions that resulted in a spontaneous experience and allowed me to “dance in the moment”. I felt so exhilarated I could have jumped up and down, I certainly did mentally. To dance in the moment, we have to let go of our fear of failure or embarrassment. There can’t be a script and you must go with the flow and use your intuition to guide you. Scary stuff!
Real creativity can’t be scripted or captured in a bottle. Now that I’ve had a taste of this experience I will work to abandon my fears. I’m reading a book called Taming Your Gremlin by Rick Carson. The subject of the book is our inner critic. We all have one unless we are a sociopath; some inner critics are more powerful than others. They get in the way of fulfilling our potential and stymie our dreams.
It is interesting that with every coaching session the coach learns things not only about the client but about themselves. This is a much more challenging program than I had anticipated. I’m used to being the “expert” who everyone comes to for information. Now I’m the novice learning new skills, techniques and approaches. We are frequently thrown in the deep end just to see what we’ll do.
Being pushed or in my case jumping out of my comfort zone is challenging, frightening and thrilling all at the same time. I have to let my fears go and allow my potential to shine through with all the experiences, intuition and empathy that I have in my soul and bring that to my coaching.
If anyone reading this post can provide insight on similar experiences please share them with me.
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As I reflect back on 2011 which was a mixed bag of growth and unrelenting stress, I ‘m thinking about the people in my life that impact it in a positive way. I’ve written about negative relationships and how it’s not doing anyone a favor to maintain those but what about the people in your life who inspire you, lend you a hand when you need it, make you laugh, are brave and honest and perhaps most important to me, love me for who I am inside, the real Kay with all her faults and insecurities.
Today I will write an e-mail to each of my “keepers” to thank them for the part they play in my life and how they would be profoundly missed if they were no longer with me for whatever reason. Over the last year I have lost two friends I never thought I would but life happens and what I thought were forever friends were not. I wish them well and will look back on our friendship with fondness.
So what does it take to be a keeper? Someone I could call at 2:00 in the morning and they would jump in their car to help me no questions asked. Someone who appreciates who I am underneath the social mask we project, someone who does not expect me to be perfect, someone who is giving of themselves for the right reasons and probably most important is to be courageous.
Courage is an overused word frequently coined when referring to some military action. For me courage is doing the right thing when it isn’t popular or politically correct. Courage is standing up for right versus wrong and for the less fortunate. Courage can mean getting up every day in pain or sickness and carrying on and making the best out of the day and yourself. I am fortunate to know many courageous people.
Recently my stress with work and school has gotten the better of me but I feel refreshed and ready to start the final sprint. I will take with me the strength and love I receive from my “keepers” and pay it back to keep the cycle going.
Thank you to all who inspire me to keep learning and growing and for believing in me even when I don’t.
Happy New Year Everyone
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In case you’ve been out of the planet, these “occupy” demonstrations are all over Canada and the US. They include a disorganized group of people with basically no message other than they are unhappy have cropped up in various cities. There is no leader, strategy or objectives but they demonstrate a clear dissatisfaction with the status quo. I’m told by my children that the issue is the traditional news sources are not depicting these demonstrations in an accurate manner and that they are extremely biased. This is hard for us baby boomers because we are used to getting our news from TV, radio or newspapers. My children get theirs from the internet. I’m not necessarily buying into the theory that this is more accurate. The reality is I don’t know who to believe. There was a study last week and the results were showed people who didn’t watch any news were better informed of world events than those who watch Fox News.
There have always been those who are against the establishment however; I can admit to a growing discomfort with the gap between the very rich and the very poor not to mention us stuck in the middle. We see CEO’s receiving ludicrous compensation and bonuses sometimes for mediocre performance after which they will receive an extremely generous severance package if things don’t go their way.
It’s like everything is out of whack. Several countries in Europe are basically bankrupt and I heard on the weekend their new political strategy is to just pretend it’s not happening. A number of regimes are changing because they can’t maintain the support to put the austerity measures in place. The United States are so incredibly politically deadlocked they can’t pass any legislation meantime they are obsessed with the sexual exploits of their potential presidential candidates. I heard today they want to tax the middle class again instead of bothering the millionaires/billionaires. If things keep going like this I may have to join those demonstrators and pitch my own tent.
I was recently on a trip to an all-inclusive resort and it occurred to me several times that the cost of one week’s holiday equates to groceries for a whole year for a single Mom and her children. If everyone who “have” could give up some for the “have nots”, we would be in a much better place. Maybe think about it next time you buy something you really don’t need but probably really want.
I’ve found in my 50’s that acquiring “stuff” has lost its appeal. We will be downsizing our house and hopefully our tax bill along as I prepare to live on a fixed income. I won’t be able to volunteer my money anymore but I will make up for it with my time and energy.
Especially during this season, let’s do what we can for those less fortunate so they too can enjoy a happy and peaceful holiday.
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When I was a little girl and not so little I and my friends were appalled by our neighbors who would not give out Halloween candy. I remember that while their children were young, they would and take their little children around so everyone would make their Halloween experiences joyful but after their kids were past the stage where they would trick or treat, they wouldn’t turn their lights on or worse they would hide in their basements. You could see someone was there but it was dark on the first floor. Well let me tell you that you didn’t fool us. We knew you were there hiding with all your candy where we couldn’t get it. Perhaps I’m a little bitter….Mrs. Pettigrew.
This week a friend of mine wanted me to go out to dinner on Halloween. I said I couldn’t possibly do that because I had to get home to get ready for the kids. Whether or not I get a lot of kids, I’m always ready. Some years there aren’t too many because we’ve managed to scare our children to death but other years I get wiped out of candy. I’m writing this as I run back and forth to the door to distribute the goodies. Most of the kids this year are older. I’ll admit I’m a sucker for the little ones because they are so cute but as long as they have costumes I’ll give them candy.
Every year me and my husband debate or how much candy I should buy. Because I am always watching my weight, I buy popular candy that I don’t like except for this year (yummy chocolate and licorice) and I’ve already been into it big time. He always buys extra on the side and on several occasions I’ve had to tap into this stash. He never lets me forget it. But take heart my love in a couple of weeks your Mother will come down from Ottawa for your birthday with all her left over loot from Halloween and then you can hide it from me and enjoy it at your leisure.
So word to the wise, if you wanted to be loved by the kids in your neighborhood make sure you turn your light on and give out great candy and btw don’t try and give them a trick because that won’t cut it either. They want candy period! Now you know the rules.
I’ve gotta run now I have to answer the door. Happy Halloween
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Well, I said I would do it and I have. With the occasional moment of insecurity here and there, I have begun my quest to become a Certified Professional and Personal Coach.
It’s been sixteen years since I’ve been in school other than training and courses taken in the work environment. I have started my journey to my next career. Yes, I am a boomer who seeks the next adventure on the path of life. Other generations rag on the baby boomers but you have to admit we have a penchant for re-inventing ourselves.
I started last weekend at Concordia University (Montreal) in the Professional and Personal Coaching Certificate program. It consists of 7 months of being coached and learning how to coach. What I didn’t understand when I first applied is the “being coached” part. The concept is that if you are not centered, present and grounded yourself that you can’t be so for your clients.
This is going to be a journey of discovery for me, likely some of which I won’t like but according to my psychic advisor I was put on this earth to “learn”. I have always sought out learning opportunities and have been curious to understand what makes people including myself, do what we do.
There is a great deal of misunderstanding of what a coach is and does. Coaches do not give people the answers, as a partnership the coach and coachee work together to discover the possibilities the coachee can harness to reach their potential and goals. The coachee leaves each session with a clear action plan and commitment to work to achieve their goals. It is definitely not therapy and the code of ethics is clear on this. A topic that the coach and coachee agree upon has to be one that is “coachable”.
During my career the most positive experiences I’ve had are when one of my employees or colleagues reaches a goal. That is my payoff; to be a participant or a catalyst of the process.
Getting back to formal studying is weird at my age but fortunately I have the support of my husband. The 24 other students are a varied and interesting group whom I’m sure will contribute to my learning and hopefully I will do so in return.
Wish me luck, if there are any coaches reading the blog please feel free to contribute as well as the usual suspects. In fact I’m looking for an ICF Certified Mentor Coach for my coaching. I’ve got to go now, I’ve got homework to do…
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What a title for a blog! My son and I have a lot of laughs together. Our sense of humor is warped at the best of times but in this case we were discussing toxic people who are from our past. It’s normal that we all have friendships and lovers that are no longer part of our lives. Depending on how the relationship ended will determine how we see them and they see us. I can say with absolute certainty that I am not my ex-husband’s favorite person.
So why do they pop up out of the blue and try to insert themselves back into our lives. I don’t get it. This can happen literally years later. Maybe they have a fantasized version of the end of the relationship that the door was not closed completely or it was still open a crack.
Let’s face it, some relationships are toxic. I remember trying to help (I should say save) a colleague because she had a lovely teenage daughter. Despite my ridiculous efforts to help her to become a good employee and a responsible Mother, there was no saving this woman. It completely drained me of my energy and well being. It was a learning experience however, and I am much more careful where I spend my emotional energy. In fairness to her she didn’t ask me to save her. Periodically she tries to reconnect and periodically I ignore her.
Well the door is not open; it is completely and permanently closed. Go forth and enjoy your lives but leave us alone please. We don’t want to be your friend on Facebook or anywhere else for that matter. If I haven’t made the slightest effort to see you or talk to you in years there is a good reason - at least in my mind.
Keeping relationships that are not healthy is not a sign of personal fortitude but an indicator you can’t let go of bad relationships. There are lots more people out there to meet and see if you can find real friendship and love where there is give and take. Good luck, hope you find a great one like I did. (Actually he found me but it doesn’t really matter)
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When we are young and as we separate from our parents, we aspire to be different (better) than them. Whether it is to avoid the corporate prisons the baby boomers lived through, be better parents, live more healthy lives, or to save the planet, we all want to do things differently than our parents even if we had relatively normal and happy childhoods.
I for one did not want to be alcoholic, be able to say sorry, to be independent and allow my children to be what they wanted to be in life. I also wanted to ensure that when my children became more independent that I would have a life of my own to look forward to. I can say that I have achieved these goals (so far).
I was very fortunate to have two loving parents who could afford to provide for me and my Sister. I never had to worry about where my next meal would come from and enjoyed a suburban lifestyle.
By design we were very sheltered from the ills of the world.
What I find interesting is that no matter how we try to get away from the hard-wired conditioning from our parents; it is very difficult if not impossible. I remember not wanting to be like my Father because he was a really tough businessman but I see him in me often. This realization was not a positive one for me but now I embrace the elements and temper the drive he had with my “emotional’ intelligence I got from my Mother. This drive and confidence he modeled for me has helped me through some really tough times and I see it more and more in my children and it makes me happy. Life is hard and having the ability to push through despite obstacles is a big advantage.
Recently one of my children said that the older he gets the more he appreciates the parents and upbringing he had. He told me that this is because the more he knows about his parents the more he knows himself. Wow that blew me away. We all like to think that we make our own decisions but our conditioning is a huge influence.
Just look around. Think about your friends and family. When it comes right down to it we mostly follow our parent’s footsteps in the end after we complete our rebellious phase.
Last night I watched Carrie Fisher’s one woman show and I really enjoyed it. She has come to terms with her screwed up childhood and can laugh about it. She finished it with this. “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.
So rather than resent your parents for what they did or didn’t do or who you would have liked them to be, accept whatever you can from your childhood and build on it and remember whatever you model will live on in your children and your grandchildren. Isn’t that a scary thought.
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One of my readers has inspired this post. As I was thinking about when Alwin requested my input regarding whether he could hope to have a normal life if his family life has been dysfunctional and non-supportive. I said yes if he could come to grips with the past and move on. After all I didn’t turn out to be an alcoholic like my Mother. At one point we have to take full responsibility for our own futures regardless of our childhoods.
That made me think about power in relationship and how I have been guilty of this more than once in my lifetime; giving up my personal power to those who don’t deserve it. Likely this is based on my need to please but as I said to Alwin, it’s a choice to carry on with something that’s not working or try something new. At least I am able to recognize at one point this behavior and take action to correct it.
I have been suffering lately from extreme stress over the last few months and am finally getting on top of it. Lives are full of ups and downs but I am realizing that I give up my personal power entirely too easily and this is an aspect of my life I will definitely work on. I can do better at this. I have a relatively new person in my life that has some interesting insights into my personality and he told me if I could ever really accept who I am inside there would be no stopping me.
We have choices, the freedom to choose a better future for ourselves. It isn’t easy, it isn’t a clear road forward; it is trial and error. Sometimes it’s two steps forward and one step back. It takes commitment to make change and then to maintain the change may be even more difficult. This is breaking away from our “conditioning” as my therapist likes to call it.
As they say tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.
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I frequently receive inspiration for my blog from a random comment that comes to my attention. That’s what happened this week, I read that life is 20% what happens to you in life and 80% what you do about it.
This is so true. It’s important to develop a plan (at times it feels we are doing this just to amuse the Gods) but we need to remain flexible because there are times the plans work out and others where the plan needs serious adjustments.
I have a financial plan and also one for my retirement. Although it is coming up quickly now with less than 9 months to go, I’ve decided (with a little push from my friend Helen) to go to school now to ensure that I like coaching and that this is the direction I want to take. My original plan was to take next summer off and then go to school in the fall. I think this is a much better plan and I’m glad I am open minded enough to consider another possibility. I am also blessed to have a friend like Helen who from time to time likes to kick my ass (verbally). I applied to Concordia in the Professional and Personal Coaching Program and I’m thrilled to report that I have just received my acceptance.
It is important to me that while I share my points of view with you that I can gather the courage to risk failure to try something new and pursue my new challenge. I want to be able to inspire in my small way others to reach for what they want and what they are prepared to work hard enough to get. This will be the first time for me that I’ve chosen my path rather than pursue an opportunity that falls into my path. I’ve been an opportunist in my career, if I see an opening or a need I would strive to get it and I’ve been relatively successful while maintaining some measure of work/life balance. My children would probably not agree with that last statement.
Nevertheless can any of us look back and not be surprised at where we end up and with whom? Sometimes it feels like we go from crisis to crisis but along the way we have pivotal moments where we choose where to go next. Did I ever think my sister would get cancer at 37, or I would divorce my husband, or become a grandmother at 49? The answer is absolutely not. Fortunately lots of the things that happen are happy ones. I adore my Grandchildren, I’m now happily married to a man who appreciates the real authentic Kay but I would really love to have my sister back.
I read this week that at 50 you should make a list of the people who were responsible for pivotal moments in your life good or bad. I think this would be an interesting exercise which I will definitely undertake. Who had the most impact on your life?
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