In pursuit of life, love and my authentic self.

Normally I am proud to be a Canadian, somewhat less since Harper has had his majority government but today I am ashamed.  All the world can see how we failed a 17 year old girl who not only suffered being  gang raped by four boys but then went on to be bullied to the point where the only way out for her was suicide.

To add insult to injury now that the whole world is up in arms about it and it plastered across CNN, the Justice Minister decides that maybe he should re-consider his decision not to second guess the police investigation.  The “situation” will now be reviewed by no less than 4 departments.  Everyone is running around covering their asses with compassion and outrage and what they will do to make it safer for young people.  Give me a freaking break.  They are only looking out for their own jobs.  It’s too late.  I would have more respect for any of them if they just took responsibility for a major flaw in the legal system.  We certainly wouldn’t want anyone actually taking responsibility for anything now would we?

The privacy for young people should not include committing rapes and any type of bullying.  Why are we protecting four boys who are old enough to commit such a crime with pictures no less not to mention the bullies. We are much too tolerant in Canada of all crimes.  I personally like some of the sentences handed down south of the border.

I am heartbroken for the parents of this young woman.  They will never be the same.  They will likely go on to try and find some meaning to what happened and that their precious daughter’s life had meaning in the long run.  The truth is she is dead because the people who were entrusted to protect her failed miserably and as all the rats run for cover, no one is fooled.

There is concern because of vigilante justice and I am certainly not condoning or encouraging it as it just makes things worse but I understand how people feel because there has been no justice for Rehtaeh, vigilante or otherwise.

So terribly sad, so totally unacceptable, so completely shameful.

I say a prayer for you Rehtaeh that heaven will be a kinder gentler place.

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It is hard to be self-aware especially when we are talking about a certain level of emotional upheaval.

I am referring to the event last March when we all lost our jobs and in my case within a month of my planned early retirement.  Since then a great deal has happened to me and my friends and colleagues. Most of the management and clerical have new jobs, some have even changed again.  The need whether financial or emotional to find a job quickly resulted in some buyers regret.  The mechanics are having a much harder time to find jobs; hopefully the new owners of the engine shop and component shops will be able to offer employment to some of them.

In two weeks it will be the one year.  The anniversary is March 20^th.  I will remember it forever.  My Vice President called me to tell me that everyone was terminated and asked me whether I wanted him to call my employees.  Of course I told him no and made the calls all in a surreal fog.

We are going to have an anniversary get together on the 27^th of March and I’m really looking forward to it.  What I am happy to share with everyone is that I realized a couple of weeks ago that I feel “healed”.  I didn’t even know I was broken but on some subconscious level I had suffered a shock, loss whatever you want to call it.  I feel whole, at peace and content.  I’ll be interested to see if others share my perspective (I’ll get back to you).

I’ve accepted that $250K of money was stolen from my retirement fund and I will have to make adjustments but it no longer eats at me.   I know people who never even got to their retirement so although it is important to make plans, they won’t necessarily work out.  The world is a volatile place and it seems there are more dishonest people but again this may just be my personal experience.

This week I was headhunted for a VP Operations position and for a Performance Coach in two large corporations but I’m really enjoying my job as the Operational Excellence Site Lead and working with a new team in a new industry.

My energy and zest for life is back.  Now I have to lose the 10 lbs I gained over the year.  Oh well there’s always something….that’s life.

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Do you know the origins of Valentine’s Day?  St. Valentine was imprisoned for performing Christian weddings in secret during a time when the Roman Empire deemed Christian marriages illegal.  He is believed to have performed a number of acts of kindness, not least of which was healing the daughter of his jailor after having been imprisoned for his “crimes”.  Legend states that before his execution he wrote “from your Valentine” as a farewell to her.

My earliest recollection is of valentine cards we gave out in elementary school.  The same books of paper valentines are still available.  Of course we gave the best ones to the cutest guys.  Some teachers and parents insist that all the children are included.  This of course does not prepare them for the cutthroat world of dating but perhaps it’s a bit too early….

Then comes adolescence where we are entirely too sophisticated for anything so cheesy as valentines even though girls would be thrilled to get gifts from their boyfriend(s).  I was a wicked little thing in my teenage years.  My sister liked to refer to me as an “oversexed teeny bopper”.  Who knew my wild ways would be over by the tender age of 18 and a Mommy by 20.

I think the pressure on Valentine’s Day is much worse on those who are not in a relationship or actively dating.   Okay so if you’re married and you don’t deliver the goods, likelihood she (I was going to say she/he but let’s face it this is a chick event) won’t actually divorce you unless of course this was the last straw.  You may spend a night or two on the couch but hey that never killed anyone, eh?

I feel badly for the young women and not so young women who feel like losers because they have no boyfriend and no date for Valentine’s Day.  Pretty sure guys don’t feel like that but I could be wrong.  Be sure to tell me if I am. With all the commercials on TV and promotions in the stores, it’s hard to miss.  My advice is the same as for those who are alone at Christmas, it’s just a day.  Buy yourself something pretty or make plans with your friends.   I think the pressure on the men is to get the right gift when they for the most part don’t give a crap about Valentine’s Day.

The best Valentine’s Day are during the courting phase when we women are looking to receive something unique and special to prove how much you love us.  Of course the old standby of flowers and chocolate is the conservative way to go but it’s a little like getting socks for Christmas.  On the other hand, many couples don’t bother with it at all.  I don’t care whether it’s Valentines or another time make the effort to show how much you care and that you appreciate them and that should be done much more than once a year!

For you guys, who hit it out of the park, let me congratulate you in advance.  You are a girl’s dream.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

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Were you stressed last year?  Were you stressed this year?  If you weren’t you can stop reading unless you are curious or just enjoy watching a good car crash.

I was the recipient of an epiphany as a Christmas gift.  I realized at the start of my Christmas vacation that I was much stressed and having trouble stopping thinking about work and what I could do to make things better in my new job or for my new team.   I was very happy to have the time off but couldn’t reach the off switch.

Then I realized that last year at the same time I was also just as stressed.  That time it was due to my impending resignation and I was aware of impending layoffs and that always served to worry me about my employees and colleagues.

So here was an entirely new year and I was just as stressed EXCEPT they were a completely different subjects.  All I had done was switch stresses, I was still holding my bag of stress and it was really heavy. It’s like a have this bag and it gets filled up with whatever stress is uppermost in my mind or my life.

Every year will bring it challenges and rewards.  It is our reaction to them which will determine the effect to our lives and happiness.  I repeated  the word “vacation” in my mind when I would start thinking about work.  It worked rather well and I’ve been able to improve my sleeping with the exception of one night.

I’m feeling more relaxed and am enjoying my vacation as I should.  The other thing I am doing which is the technique I use when doing either a performance review or coaching, I ask.  What do I want to have/do more of during 2013 and what do I want less of?  I want to have more fun, spend more time with friends and family.  I want to do less worrying, taking on other people’s stress,

It takes action and commitment to get better at anything, building new life skills.  I need to get out there and make things happen.  I do best when I plan for what I want.  Especially during our long winter here in Montreal, my best approach is to schedule time and events with friends to get out and have fun.  In the spirit of full disclosure I will provide updates on my progress.

What will you do to decrease your stress and improve your happiness quotient?  While you decide on your action plan please accept my most sincere wishes for you for the best year of your life.

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Yesterday we went to choose our Christmas tree.  For the first time ever I chose the first one the attendant recommended.  I like my tree to be at least 7 feet tall with a good top for the angel and I like it to be fat.  No need for skinny trees at my house, oh no sir!

My husband is a hell of a good sport because he doesn’t care about a natural tree, he would be perfectly happy with an artificial tree but for us purists, only a natural tree will do.  I guess he’s resigned after 17 years.  I remember the children’s grandmother telling me I should get an artificial one and use some pine bathroom spray and it would be the same.  I think not.

Today Marc started the age old tradition of putting on the lights. It takes two hours to place all the lights to my satisfaction including “bubble lights” that are so special.   When I was a little girl my Dad would do it and because he had absolutely no technical ability it would end with significant swearing and carrying on but eventually the lights would go on and my sister and I would start the decorating process.

Here is a picture of this year’s tree.  It is virtually identical every year because I tend to choose the same type of tree.  Sometimes the same is a great thing.  I have only a few of my family’s original decorations and I guard them closely.  Every once in a while one falls on the ground and breaks and my heart stops for a moment or two but then I move on and remind myself that it is just stuff after all.  Over the years there are so many different decorations, gifts my friends and employees have given me to remember them by and it’s wonderful.  Then there are the ones my kids made at school or at Scout’s and they are so special.

The most important decoration is the angel.  This was my Mother’s and for those you have been reading this blog for a while you know I lost her when I was 14.  The angel is very old now and my kids say she looks like she’s in menopause because she looks like she has a beard.  They call her the “bearded angel” but I’ll bet after I’m gone it will be a treasured keepsake.  She is wrapped lovingly every year and put in a special place.  Richard will want to have her because we are both ridiculously sentimental.

This year has been challenging and surprising mostly in a bad way so it is great to have some lovely traditions that remind us of happy times with family and friends.  This week I will dress up as Mrs. Claus at work and give out candy canes.  That’s always fun for me and hopefully for them.

I wish my readers the most joyous holiday season and a fabulous New Year.  May we all find the courage to live our best life.

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Isn’t it interesting how things that happen during the day affect our nighttime dreams?  Recently two people who are younger than me died from lung cancer, a lady I worked with for a long time and yesterday a local radio newscaster.  The result was dreams where I was dying from cancer.  The fact that almost all of my family have died of cancer doesn’t help. To add insult to injury I lost all my hair.  After doing some scientific investigation on the internet (scary) I am pleased to report that dreaming of dying is not a prediction but a result of needing to renew, break free yada yada.

This dream affected me all day in a negative way.  Has that ever happened to you? I remember one other time when I dreamt my husband cheated on me and I was mad at him all day.  It’s like a dream hangover. When I was a little girl I was scared silly by Alfred Hitchcock but loved to watch it anyway along with Twilight Zone.  My sister would wait upstairs and jump out to scare the crap out of me after which I would rat on her and she would get in trouble.  Don’t you just love baby of the family shtick?

Even when I was a young woman I was easily influenced and still have not seen the Exorcist because my husband knew I would have nightmares.  My husband is a huge fan of “Walking Dead”.  I cannot watch zombies even though it is clearly not real but that doesn’t matter, it triggers the little girl who was afraid of the dark.  I had a light on in the hall into my teens.  I imagined Mr. Clean standing in the door of my bedroom for the longest time.  I would shut my eyes tight tight and hope he would go away.

I was determined when I had my own children that I would not allow them nightlights so they would get used to the dark and that turned out to be a good strategy.  I was also afraid to go down to the basement, but that’s a totally different story for another time.

Let’s hope that my night will be better.  Good night everyone. Night night, sleep tight, don’t let the bugs bite.

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What inspired today’s post was a car commercial I was watching where two people were out on a date and they were driving in his car and the guy is wondering if the girl is having a good time and if she would want to go out with him again.  She is looking at her phone and texting which gives the appearance she is interested in anything but him until…..wait for it…. her text shows up on his car display saying she will always be with him, he is all happy and relieved and off they drive into the sunset to live happily ever after.  It is clear to me that they are appealing to a younger crowd, certainly the car was a low end model not your Daddy’s Lexus.  So instead of actually speaking to him she communicated by text even though he is sitting right beside her.  I find this frightening for mankind, okay perhaps I’m being a little overdramatic but still, doesn’t anyone other than me think this is going way too far.

The reason this is front and centre for me is that as time goes on we speak less and less to each other.  I suspect there are few people who have not had an experience that what they e-mailed or texted to someone was perceived in a way not at all intended.  Teenager’s text back and forth to each other incessantly literally hundreds of times a day.  Now you don’t actually have to have sex, you can do sexting instead but of course that should reduce pregnancies and STD’s so maybe that’s an upside.  Cyber bullying is a scourge to humanity. We’ve all heard of heartbreaking suicides by teenagers who have been targeted.  There have always been mean and dangerous people but the anonymity of the internet makes it so easy not to mention pedophiles.  Even this blog is monitored by my son to ensure only appropriate comments are allowed to be posted and I know that this is a necessity for all sites.

My point is that relationships are difficult enough when you are in person; every time you step away from face to face there is more of a chance for misinterpretation.  Even with the phone you can’t make out people’s body language and facial expressions, even less so with e-mail and texting.   Someone I know who works from home mentioned to me that he can go over 24 hours without actually speaking to another human being, it is all done by chat, e-mail and text.

I am worried about how people will build long term relationships built on trust in this world that isolates us more each year whether it is an effort to be safe or technological advances.  What do you think?  Where is our species headed?  Is it a boon or a bane?

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I think based on a couple of years of postings that I’ve demonstrated that overall I am a positive person, not given to paranoia.  (Mind you just because you’re paranoid does not necessarily mean you’re wrong).  I along with a most of my previous company’s management employees have to decide what to do with our pension money before the deadline in December.

What a paradigm shift from thinking I would retire happily and go on to do fun things like coaching, making the world a better place, volunteering, kicking back etc and now we have to decide what to do with this lump sum or else accept the annuity they are offering at 35% below funding.  It was so much simpler when it’s wasn’t optional.  The pension was the pension and you lived with it.

So I took a logical approach.  I have interviewed a select few advisors/portfolio managers who are reportedly skilled at managing investments.  Of course they all say different things based on whose team they play on.  The results is a terrifying scenario of either you accept the annuity and hope the insurance company doesn’t go bust and then face that the money which is not indexed will be worth almost nothing should you live to a ripe old age.  Bottom line is if you buy an annuity you better die quick before the money is not enough to live on plus the insurance company will be real happy because they get to keep all the money you worked your asses off to make.

On the other hand I can take the money and run.  Run where is debatable.  I’m told over and over again there is no reward without risk but what happens if another 2008 happens, what exactly am I going to live on.  What if Spain and Greece and whatever other country go bust and let’s not forget the fiscal cliff in the U.S. that could make my investment circle the bowl.  Of course the other alternative is to work until I drop dead, another appealing option… I’m told the worst choice at this point is an annuity because with the interest rates so low the annuity is rock bottom.

Another issue is I don’t trust what companies say anymore.  Everyone is so looking out for their own interests; they are prepared to lie to make money.  Maybe it’s always been like this and I just didn’t know living in my little bubble.  I’m not so naïve that I’m unaware that people lie but it seems to me the level of malfeasance and corruption is over the top.

What I really have a problem with is that financial advisors, portfolio managers or whatever else they would like to be called have no skin in the game.  Whether or not their clients make money they get paid.  All my life, whether the company made money had a direct impact on my bottom line i.e.: performance bonus.  You don’t make money; you get nothing, zero, nada.  I would not have a problem for paying extra when they make great moves and make me more money.  To me this is the only job where whether they are successful or not they walk away with the same paycheck.  To be fair if they are known to be losers, they won’t be able to attract or retain customers.

The ridiculous thing is I am in much better shape than most people.  I can’t even imagine how the next generations are going to manage other than to live in communes and hopefully grow most of what they eat.  Fortunately for them they are too young to realize it and hopefully things will get better moving forward.

Regardless of what I finally decide I will have to ride the wave and let go of the worry because that for sure will not make it better and will not add value to my life and stress is a killer.

You may be reading this and thinking well at least she has some retirement money and that’s okay.  My answer to that is yes I do have some, not enough and I worked my ass off for 24 years to get it.  I guess this post will be in the ranting and raving category.  So be it.

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Wow what a roller coaster ride this year both personally and professionally!  Although most of the ride has been on the downward slope, things are looking up.  If you had told me at this time last year that I would lose my job, stay home for 5 ½ months, lose 35% of my pension and decide to re-join the workforce in a whole new industry, I would have told you that you are crazy.  I might have used more colorful language but you get the point.

Had I known this all would happen I would have felt like pulling the covers over my head and waiting until it was all over to come out from under.

I haven’t been writing my blog because my creative juices were stalled.  I was feeling too tired to do anything.  During the summer I didn’t take my own sage advice (and my son’s) to get into a routine.  Once I did that in August things started to get better.  I was getting out of the house daily to walk the doggies and exercising.  That’s when I started to get my head out of my ass and see things more clearly.

As I said to someone near and dear to me yesterday the path to a more positive life is not straight line, it is frequently two steps forward and one back.  The key is to keep moving toward what you want and if you are feeling sad or not motivated, it is hard to move forward.  My natural positivity is helping me to recover and start appreciating again what I have rather than what I don’t have.  This has always been one of my strengths I lost this year for a period of time.

The blessing that I did have is a highly supportive husband who put up with my less than exciting behavior and what he calls my “posse”, Anna, Vasso, Helen, Maryse, Ellen, Victoria and Mia.  They kept in close touch with me sometimes daily to encourage me and tell me how much they care and remind me what I had to contribute.

I’m in the business of change management both in my coaching and my new job.  I’ve had to do some of my own and I’m happy to report I am on the upswing.

So I’m back in the game, getting my head around working with and for new people and a brand new industry for me who have welcomed me into their business and I have so much to learn over the next year I’ll be busy learning which I love to do.

I would love to hear about a change in your life and how you adjusted to the change.

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